Ah. So your post might just have been written for me to respond to. Ten years ago, I had the best, and I mean best, yorkie ever named Max. He was that special soul animal people talk about. He was my baby. My child. The love of my life, and he was 7.
And he had bladder stones. And I was going through medical issues myself at the time and always kicked myself for not knowing sooner but looking back I can see I did the best I could. And I finally figured out what was going on with him (after several trips to the vets - wasn't for lack of trying!). And he had surgery.
And a few weeks later he was having problems and they did another x-ray or ultrasound (can't remember now) and they found another stone that they had missed
that was blocking his urethra. So they scheduled another surgery.
And so I went to see him that afternoon at the vets after surgery and it became apparent that when they went to get him something was wrong. He was bleeding out. So they rushed him back to surgery to try and find the bleed. And they worked on him with me there in the waiting room balling for hours. And then they came out and said, we can't find the bleed, you are going to need to take him to another hospital. And so my sister drove me and Max who was now dying in my arms to another hospital at 8:00pm in the evening.
There was a blood donor dog there and they started transfusing blood. The surgeon a the new hospital found the bleed, but my four pound baby had been through too much by then. I kissed him and begged him to stay with me, but it was just too much. Max died a few hours later.
So the point of me telling you this story? Not to make you feel worse - but to tell you that it gets better. I wouldn't have been able to even tell you this story five years ago.
Time heals. Accidents happen. We do the best we can do. The physical loss of losing a beloved pet is huge and it's only been a year.
Consider getting another pup. It will never replace your baby, but you will find comfort and joy and honor in that bond again.
Plant a tree in Munchkin's name. Write a poem about the things Munchkin loved. Talk about the silly things Munckin did.
Know that it will get easier.
Know that there's nothing wrong with you for still hurting.
Know that you did the best you could but you were sick too at the time - so try not to second guess the days leading up to Munchkin's death, and instead focus on the great years you had with him.
Keep talking about how you feel.
Consider another pup.