I have been meaning to post here but keep forgetting. Not sure where to start, so let's go with the beginning...
Traumatic childhhod. Alcoholic father. Divorce. Continued conflict with father (to this day). Death of brother. Long list of health problems, one of which most of you would be shicked at. In suspence yet?
In fifth grade math became difficult for me, then over the years, studying in general. Got to college with a major procrastination issue and an inability to grasp math/chem. Kind of important for a pre vet... I had been mildly depressed, but nothing that jumped out/that
i would admit to. Also always had anxiety issues. ADHD runs in the fam. I figured I had it, but went undiagnosed mostly bc the drugs are not great for heart patients (which I am). Continuously procrastinated and didn't do well in harder classes despite people thinking that I should "just do it". In March of last year it all spilled out.
I had had a few margaritas. The next morning something was just off. Thought I was hung over. Later that night I was trying to study for immuno (gag) and just could not. I'd open the book and cry. Frustrated that I had put the studying off, but also frustrated that something was obviously wrong. I cried and cried and cried. Failed the immuno test. Failed the class. Went to my GP. Diagnosed with AZdHD, anxiety, and depression. Started on Concerta. Heart did not like it. Put on Buspar or anxiety (so much more went on around this time...notice my absence from yt). Anyway, that drug forced me to sleep after taking it. Hated it. Doctor didn't really care bc she was too concerned about me becoming dependent on whatever else she coud prescribe.
Went to a psych. Invalidating waste of time. Went to the ER later that day bc on top of everything I was dizzy. Just needed answers bc I can't go to class, etc. ER was no help. They did an EKG and it loked abnormal to them. They thought I had heart block. So I am transferred to the ER that my cardio is at. The next day he reads the EkG, sets everyone straight that this is normal for cardiomyopathy, and sends me home (love him
). So I see the second psych that my GP recommended. He was supposed to be an education expert.
He (in so many words) said I am unmotivated, this vet stuff might not be for you, you aren't going to be able to pull this off, blah bleh. So that made it worse. Couldn't stop crying. GP heard me over the phone and tod the fam that I should be admitted for inpatient eval. Yup, give a 24 yo a psych record when she hadn't even sent me for an outpatient eval! Oh and she refused to give me an antidepressant bc of the heart and would not consult with cardiologist about it (different hospital system - her panties were in a twist the my cardio wasn't at her hospital). Anyway, amazing family. They were totally against the admitting advice. Never tried to force me. Actually, this is still really fresh and hard to type. I went into severe fear of loss of control bc a doctor was trying to force this on me (as an aside, I was not suicidal....). Left that GP (saw her on and off fr 24 years and she had always listened before). Saw an aazing psychiatrist a few days ater that did start an antidepressant. It has worked very well. When cardiologist fund outbthat
i was now on this type of med he said it is actually good for the heart issue.
During this whole time a very, very, very special person from YT held me hand.
...like constantly... when the doctors and psychs were making it worse she was there to make it better again. The mental health system in this country is a disaster.
I felt so helpless with nowhere to turn. Professionals were not listening and I was devastated/scared stiff.
I also talked to my 'second parents' the weekend before seeing the psychia. I'm convinced that I would have ended up admitted if it hadn't been for that.
Psychia believes depression and anxiety in this case is secondary to ADHD. This is why ADHD shoud never ever ever be taken lightly.
Playing with the meds to see what wors best for me.
Saw another therapist. Okay but nothing to write home about. Seemed like another waste of money. I might try one more someday, but overall I'm not sure it is for me. The experiences are somewhat creepy to me (depends on who you go to). I am a very deep person and have to figure everything out. That is something I am learning to let go bc I literally could drive myself insane. For me that means sticking to faith, trusting that God is there to figure it all out so I don't have to, etc. I make a practice of walking through fears/anxieties, forgiving people...bc it is good for me. And yes, there are still many days where it is very hard, but I am just so grateful that I'm not where I was ten months ago.
Gotta stop there and ger ready for class.
Sorry for typos. Not editing.