I have a 20-year old daughter and 18-year old son, and I'm also a certified Youth and Young Adult Coach.
This is all just my opinion, but it has worked for me and for others.
I strongly believe that consequences should always be natural...just as they are for us as adults. Children, starting at a very young age, really are so similar to us--just younger and sometimes smaller. Every teen I've encountered has grown and matured by being treated as if they already have. If YOU broke the shelf, by mistake, what would your options be? I'm guessing getting a new shelf, figuring out a new plan for a doggie armoire, or fixing it. If it was my son, I would give him the exact same options, or choose the one you would like. He will learn on his own to be careful, and might really take the "carelessness" assumption too much to heart. What we probably wouldn't do, as adults, is take our own phone away if we broke our shelf, nor would we want someone to tell us to only do what they've asked us to do, and nothing else. We would get so frustrated about the "injustice" that we may take that frustration out it undesirable ways--rebellion, feeling sullen, resentment...so many.
I'll guess his Love Language is acts of service, and deep down he wants to do things for people and just doesn't quite know how to express that and accomplish that yet. Especially if he is "new" in your home. Overriding that somewhat subconscious desire to help with projects is very difficult at his age.
So, to make a long post even longer...
Always try to match the consequence to the mistake...just like what actually happens to us. A couple for instances: If you find that your son has been calling "Adult" phone lines
, or overusing his minutes or text limits, THEN it makes sense to tell him, "Cell phones are to be used when we can handle the limitations our family puts on them. Until I feel like you've shown me you CAN handle it again, I will keep your cell phone for you. The timing is up to YOU, and the way you show me is up to you." Then, as mom, be open; could be one day, may end up being a week...you'll know.
If a child doesn't clean up their room, I've found that no amount of telling, pleading or yelling will really help long term. But explaining to them that any clothes, belongings or property that gets damaged because of their poor housekeeping skills will need to be replaced does. Or, letting them know that you gave them a room our of respect for their privacy and so they could enjoy a place of their own; so, perhaps they don't need it?
Re: the trash, couple of options: 1. "You didn't take the trash out as you said you would, so I had to do it myself; now, I'm too tired/frustrated to...make your dinner...take you to _____. Once I've re-energized (and feel free to help me with that if you think of something) I will be able to help you with your things again."
Does that long-winded, abbreviated, early-morning explanation make sense?
Good luck, and enjoy him every minute that you can!
I have tons of books (and thoughts I'm not very good at keeping to myself
, if you have parenting questions, and I'm happy to help if I can!
