[gidget529]

Originally Posted by iloverufus

with approximately 3 weeks left with rufus, a story i've shared in two other threads, i keep wrestling painfully with whether or not i can be in that room and watch someone take my dogs life away. it dawned on me recently, it's not so much that he has to go, that's heartbreaking, what was eating at my soul was how i can live in the moment of watching my dog lose his life. its unbearable and that's where i realized my problem lies. i dont know if i can bring myself to watch that. im in a bind bc no matter what choice i make i'm going to be haunted. if i am there what if i can't get that picture out of my mind, and it's the last picture i have of him, if i'm not there, i feel guilty like i abandoned him. i've had ppl give me their opinions. i talked to a therapist and he suggested that maybe being in that room is not right for me, and that i shouldn't feel guilty. i promised rufus i would be there but as time draws near i don't truly know if i can. i just want him to know that no matter what happens, i love him more than i love myself. he is the one who taught me to respect myself and i am forever indebted to him. i have no clue what to do, and i can't say what i will do. for some reason i dont know if being there is right for me. like any death i've experienced, i was able to go see my grandmother right after she died, and while painful, i didnt have to watch her die and it was peaceful seeing her after. a bit scary but not something i wasn't able to handle. its the watching of this event that scares me to death. i can go say my goodbyes when it's over, i just dont know if i can be there when it happens. and i worry that what if i'm not, and the next time i have a dog when i'm an adult and i go thru this again, and i'm strong enough to watch, does that mean, not being there for rufus mean i loved rufus less? all these thoughts and i just am totally at a loss

I've posted already before, but I can't get you and poor rufus off of my mind. I will be praying for you. This has got to be an agonizing time for you.