I understand how you feel. I lost the first two dogs I " owned" as an adult within weeks of each other and promised myself I would never make myself vulnerable to that kind od grief again.
A year later I couldn't stand the loneliness but didn't want to feel like I was replacing my beloved dogs so I adopted two cats. One died at age ten, the other 1 1/2 years ago at age 17. I also adopted my parents' dog after my dad died. I lost her nearly a year ago. Again I promised myself that I was through with the grief. I was the one who had to make the decision to put all five to sleep and it was about the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I told people for a long time that I was going to wait until the doctor told me my days were numbered, then I was going to adopt a whole kennel full of dogs, secure in the knowledge that I would be the first to go. Maudlin and perhaps creepy, and I would never do it, but that's how I felt.
I only made it a few months without Bungee before the loneliness for a pet got to me. Tallulah hasn't replaced Clancey, Murphy, Emily, Amanda or Bungee. They each still own a big piece of my heart. But the nice thing about humans with their pets ( or children or friends). We have endless capacity to love and there is always room in our hearts for another one.
Once in a while I still have a twinge of feeling disloyal to the pets who have gone ahead. But I remind myself that I don't love them any less, and I am a much better person when I can look forward to going home knowing that there will be someone there who is happy to see me no matter what.
I hope you will be able to find some peace. When you are ready for another companion you will know it. |