Originally Posted by lisaly 
Thank you so much, Carrie, for your beautiful post. It helps so much to have the love and support of others love their babies with all of their hearts and who truly understand the pain of losing a baby so loved. Your Nika sounds like she was such a special little girl. She will forever be a part of you. I understand what it is like to put your heart and soul into loving and caring for a little one. When you surrender yourself so completely to them and then lose them, your heart breaks. Our sweet little Kiwi had congestive heart failure, but I really thought she would be okay after we treated her for it. The medication that we put her on for her heart affected her kidneys, so I took her daily to the doctor for sub-q fluids to flush out her kidneys, to receive a vitamin shot, and for her doctor to examine her heart and lungs. Her doctor kindly only charged me for the fluids. He felt that she was better off being home with me than staying at the hospital for a few days if I was willing to take her there daily for a few weeks to flush out her kidneys (it was a 45 mile trip round-trip). When she started to eat again and to get better, I was so excited. We spent so much special, alone time those few weeks, especially with our long car rides to the doctor (my vet is wonderful and I would travel any distance to have him treat my little girls), and I told her how much I loved her. When we lost her from an eye infection that her body wasn’t strong enough to fight because of her other health issues, it was devastating. I know everything was done that we could have done to help Kiwi until she was stronger, but when you completely surrender your heart to these babies, it is so painful to lose them. It still haunts me that we may have missed something with Ashley. I took her to the doctor often, usually every two months and more if needed. Her doctor told us that it was unnecessary to have her checked out so often, but we wanted to make sure that we were doing everything possible for her and to be proactive in her care. Ashley acted like a puppy her whole life, but she just slowed down a bit and got tired more easily. Her doctor was amazed at how well she was doing a week before she died. Her heart and lungs were strong, and she was a happy little girl who was still walking a couple of miles most days, weather permitting. She was not feeling well a few days later, so I took her to see him. He thought it was a stomach bug, but he thought she'd be fine. I wish that I had made more of it when I described how Ashley was acting, because I knew in my heart that something was wrong. Ashley died two days later, one month short of her 17th birthday. I wouldn't have wanted my baby to go on living for my sake if it meant she would have had to suffer, but I hope I didn't fail her. There is nothing that my husband and I wouldn't have done for Ashley if she needed it, regardless of what it would have cost. Ashley was my love and heart. She still is, and so are her sisters. It haunts me that there was probably something with Ashley that we didn’t detect that I thought were her Canine Cognitive Disorder symptoms or problems caused by the gas pockets in her stomach. We had done blood tests not long before and she was doing so well, especially for her age. I understand the doubts you have about Nika at the emergency hospital. The doubts can drive you crazy, though. You did everything that you could do for your beloved little Nika, and she knew you loved her. It is so obvious the love you have for her still just by reading your posts. You gave her a great life. I know it’s different for me since Ashley was almost seventeen and lived such a full life, and I understand how difficult it is for you to lose Nika. I don’t think you can ever be ready to lose them, so instead you live each day cherishing the moments you have with them. I would just stare at Ashley just sleeping beside me, each time filled with such wonder and love. Every time she’d flail her paws to reach for me when my husband would hand her over to me to take her for a walk, I’d laugh. I can still envision each one of my girls in my head, with different aspects of their unique personalities. Although it won’t stop me from loving another one and surrendering my heart completely, I think it’s wonderful that the love of our beloved babies stays so strong in our hearts and minds. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope memories of your sweet Nika give you a reason to smile.
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