[lisaly]

Originally Posted by zowiandnikasmom

so many of us here understand your great pain! it doesnt seem to get any easier no matter how much time has passed and we will never "get over" losing a family member. i know so many people do not understand. several of my coworkers gave me a hard time when we lost nika and told me she's just a dog. but they do not know the blessing it is to have them in our lives and how much our time with them means to us. they dont understand the deep love we feel for our babies. we are lucky to know how wonderful it is to have such a powerful feeling of love for them! no matter how great the pain is from losing them its all worth it to have that love and the memories and for our lives to be touched by them. im so thankful you're always there for everyone here with beautiful kind words and understanding. especially when in the world there are so many who do not understand and think we are nuts! i think of her all of the time and it still hurts so bad. the tears still come all the time. i would do anything to hold her again. as time passes i miss her more and more. im so glad i have zowi (nika's furmomma) and i cry and hold her in my arms and i know she knows why i am crying. she completely understands. she misses her baby too and understands my pain. shes so great at comforting me! i see nikas beautiful eyes every time i look into zowis eyes. they were just about identical except zowi was twice nikas size and nika had floppy ears, zowis stand straight up. thank you for the comfort you have given me and so many others, and thank you for always sharing it really does mean a lot. i am so lucky i got to be her mommy and ill never fill the whole in my heart from losing her. i wish we couldve been together forever she was so loving and caring. i also have a terrible feeling that the fluids she was supposed to be given in the emergency hospital were not dripping and that is why she passed. when i went to visit her that sunday morning before she passed away i saw the doctor there do a double take and seemed like she was fixing the iv to drip, like it had not been and seemed like she was trying to do it quickly before i looked back. i shouldve checked but just seeing how terrible nika looked broke my heart and i didnt think that something like that would happen especially when she was the only patient there at the time. we didn't think we were gonna lose her either. i guess ill never know. and they charged me less money than originally estimated so thats another reason i feel they didnt do everything they were supposed to be doing for her. it breaks my heart though and i will always wonder. i have found a different emergency vet to go to if its necessary. im glad that the ashes really turned out to be ashleys and im sure shes with you always in spirit and definately in your heart. you gave her 17 beautiful years of love and she knew how much she was loved! thanks again so much for being there! im glad to have people like you here! sending you a hug! ~ carrie

Thank you so much, Carrie, for your beautiful post. It helps so much to have the love and support of others love their babies with all of their hearts and who truly understand the pain of losing a baby so loved. Your Nika sounds like she was such a special little girl. She will forever be a part of you. I understand what it is like to put your heart and soul into loving and caring for a little one. When you surrender yourself so completely to them and then lose them, your heart breaks. Our sweet little Kiwi had congestive heart failure, but I really thought she would be okay after we treated her for it. The medication that we put her on for her heart affected her kidneys, so I took her daily to the doctor for sub-q fluids to flush out her kidneys, to receive a vitamin shot, and for her doctor to examine her heart and lungs. Her doctor kindly only charged me for the fluids. He felt that she was better off being home with me than staying at the hospital for a few days if I was willing to take her there daily for a few weeks to flush out her kidneys (it was a 45 mile trip round-trip). When she started to eat again and to get better, I was so excited. We spent so much special, alone time those few weeks, especially with our long car rides to the doctor (my vet is wonderful and I would travel any distance to have him treat my little girls), and I told her how much I loved her. When we lost her from an eye infection that her body wasn’t strong enough to fight because of her other health issues, it was devastating. I know everything was done that we could have done to help Kiwi until she was stronger, but when you completely surrender your heart to these babies, it is so painful to lose them. It still haunts me that we may have missed something with Ashley. I took her to the doctor often, usually every two months and more if needed. Her doctor told us that it was unnecessary to have her checked out so often, but we wanted to make sure that we were doing everything possible for her and to be proactive in her care. Ashley acted like a puppy her whole life, but she just slowed down a bit and got tired more easily. Her doctor was amazed at how well she was doing a week before she died. Her heart and lungs were strong, and she was a happy little girl who was still walking a couple of miles most days, weather permitting. She was not feeling well a few days later, so I took her to see him. He thought it was a stomach bug, but he thought she'd be fine. I wish that I had made more of it when I described how Ashley was acting, because I knew in my heart that something was wrong. Ashley died two days later, one month short of her 17th birthday. I wouldn't have wanted my baby to go on living for my sake if it meant she would have had to suffer, but I hope I didn't fail her. There is nothing that my husband and I wouldn't have done for Ashley if she needed it, regardless of what it would have cost. Ashley was my love and heart. She still is, and so are her sisters. It haunts me that there was probably something with Ashley that we didn’t detect that I thought were her Canine Cognitive Disorder symptoms or problems caused by the gas pockets in her stomach. We had done blood tests not long before and she was doing so well, especially for her age. I understand the doubts you have about Nika at the emergency hospital. The doubts can drive you crazy, though. You did everything that you could do for your beloved little Nika, and she knew you loved her. It is so obvious the love you have for her still just by reading your posts. You gave her a great life. I know it’s different for me since Ashley was almost seventeen and lived such a full life, and I understand how difficult it is for you to lose Nika. I don’t think you can ever be ready to lose them, so instead you live each day cherishing the moments you have with them. I would just stare at Ashley just sleeping beside me, each time filled with such wonder and love. Every time she’d flail her paws to reach for me when my husband would hand her over to me to take her for a walk, I’d laugh. I can still envision each one of my girls in my head, with different aspects of their unique personalities. Although it won’t stop me from loving another one and surrendering my heart completely, I think it’s wonderful that the love of our beloved babies stays so strong in our hearts and minds. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope memories of your sweet Nika give you a reason to smile.