I got this in an email today and thought it was hilarious!!! I hope it does not offend anyone!
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first
saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
-I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
-Was learning cursive really necessary?
-I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
-Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
-How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
-I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
-Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
-MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
-Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
-Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!
-Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
-"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.