My heart aches for you... it truly does. I think you are 100% correct that those meds helped you suppress your emotions instead of dealing with them. I don't know what could help you realize that you are not at fault for what happened to your father. I think that might be a good first step take, learn to stop blaming yourself for the actions of someone else. I am sorry he did that, and I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm sure he would not want you to feel you are to blame. (((HUGS))) I'm sure there has to be help out there for you. Its a matter of finding it, which can be tough. There are state social workers, maybe you can find one in your area to talk to. I think releasing your thoughts here, on paper, anywhere, is always a GREAT release! Keep talking to whoever will listen. Prayers are going out to you!
__________________ “Petting, scratching, and cuddling a dog could be as soothing to the mind and heart as deep meditation and almost as good for the soul as prayer.” ― Dean Koontz |