oh, I remember the days
, been there, done that!! It is so miserable, I truly feel for you!!!
Your right, the husband won't be much help...he doesn't want to be caught in the middle..had many of THOSE discussions too!!
If it was me (and it has been, many, many times) I would just tell her up front...hey, I know you gave her chicken, lied to her and told her you didn't care what I said....so now, she is sick, her system isn't used to this, so thanks much for that.
Also, I would tell her, yes, you raised your children and did a fine job, but this is MY child and I will raise her as I see fit and just as you would not have appreciated someone else telling you how to best do it, neither do I. I would tell her the truth, I don't leave her alone with you for (the long, long list of reasons) and I was hoping we were past that, but apparently not. It won't be taken well, it never is...but she will hear your side and whether she ever admits it or not...some of it will get through. Eventually...you guys might have an okay relationship, I do with mine, but my children are grown. I just wasn't gonna let her push me around and I was determined to raise MY children as I saw fit, not as she did...we just coexisted for many years, sometime peacefully, sometimes not.
Mine started the day my son was born, she didn't care for his name and wanted to call him something else and said she was going to, luckily my husband did tell her that time, "no his name is ...... and that is what he will be called"
, but it didn't get better until I started to stand my ground, and then it wasn't that much better, I just felt better about it.
I do wish you all the best, family....ya can't kill 'em, ya just gotta get through it!!