[celstu1]

Im so crabby today. I woke up crabby. I went to bed crabby last night. I was talking to the guy Im dating and he signed up months ago to coach his youngest son's baseball team this season. This is the last year he can do it because the school gets real coaches when the kids hit middle school. But its 2 months of EVERY SINGLE saturday and sunday in the middle of the afternoon. That leaves all weekend tied up where we cannot take off for a day because of this. I admire him for doing it and would never have asked him not to do it. I just feel I have the right to be bummed about it. He says he understands, but I don't think he does. BBAAAHHH

I have no kids, so I don't know the responsibilities that come with kids. What really gets to me though is he is fixed and does not want anymore kids... now Im thinking to myself, well if Im going to live my life already around HIS kids, then why does he not want another one with ME? (if we stay together and I decide I want one). I feel like its not fair to me! This is not his problem, this is my problem, I realize that.

Then my best friend of like forever has been giving me an attitude for about 3 months. She got married last Oct, then bought a house in March... Ive bent over backwards, kissing her a$$ in trying to make things right between us but I don't even know whats wrong. She is not happy about the guy Im dating because she is/was REALLY close friends with him and she thinks he used her to get to me (they have been friends for almost 8 years, we've been dating 4 months - does that make any sense at all???) Also she is being soooo self-absorbed since she starting LOOKING for a house, and worse since she bought her house. Everything is about her, her house, her husband, her kid, her purchases... If I tell her anything about anything else, she gives a half hearted response and is back on herself again. I have NO idea what her problem with me is lately. I feel like she is acting like she is superior to me for some reason. She knows I was looking for a car recently and she never asked me if I went to see it or test drive it and how I liked it, but suddenly she is looking for an SUV (same as me) with her husband I get the LONGEST email about that.

Then I wake up this morning early and fell back asleep and had VIVID dreams about my ex. I know dreams don't technically mean exactly what they were about, but in this dream, he wanted back together and I was torn between leaving where we were and staying. I just want to be over this guy. The break up was almost 3 years ago. We were together for 10 years, engaged, owned a home and when it broke up and I had to cancel the wedding, sell the house and buy my own place, you'd think that would have hardened me towards him completely but I guess not. I have not spoken to or seen him in more than 4 months, yet hes still 'there' in my head. As much as I am crazy about the guy Im dating ... he is still there in the back of my head and that drives me nuts!

Sorry this is so long! For those who read through it all THANK YOU! Im just feeling soooo BLAH today!