[newmommy]

My hysteryctomy is scheduled for October 18th. I have been constantly crying and I know part of me its selfish. I WANT another baby. Hubby is fixed so this isnt a possibility anyways. I never had a girl so I will never experience the mother daughter relationship that I have with my mom that I cherish so much. I know this shouldnt bother me as much as it does.
On the other hand I have endo. severe. My uterus is tilted to begin with and now my uterus is completely bonded with my rectum. There are days i wonder if a hysteryctomy is necessary (the few days in between the pain) but its like havin a baby you forget the pain until you are there again.
The past few nights I have woke up in the middle of the night with pain so bad I feel like i need to push. Like im in full blown labor. So I spend an hour or so on the toilet crying because I hurt so bad I wanna push the pain away and cannot even have a bowel movement. (sorry if this is graphic)
I woke up this morning and cannot even walk straight. Sometimes i just wanna die. Im so sick of this pain and I swear no one understands. Im just a "whiner" or being a "baby." I feell like that sometimes anyways. I mean who really wants to be in pain all the time. Im sorry if I whine too much. Im sorry if I am cranky. For freaks sake I hurt. I know its hard to understand. I dont even understand it all I know is the pain is there and its very real.

Im freaking out about surgery. What if I am in a lot of pain and people just expect me to feel better right away?? I am freakin out about being put under. It freaks me out that doctors know things about your body as soon as they open you up and yet they cannot even discuss it with you. Im nervous about my children. They love me they are worried about me. They love to climb on me how do I explain to them that this is just not going to be okay?

Im sure my moods are the greatest. Im fatigued, i wanna sleep. Im bitchy cuz I hurt. Sorry if that offends you. maybe I should lock myself in a bubble before I have my surgery so I dont hurt anyone elses feelings!!