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Originally Posted by jvwheeler  I agree with the poster that said you must have a great relationship with your parents.
Bottom line, my daughter and I need to talk. F2F. I don't know what the decision about the piercing will be, but there will be consequences for disobeying.
Thank you one and all for your thoughts. The first day, I wanted to send her to her father's, yesterday I was much calmer and today? Well I am still worried about her disobeying, but I was young once too. And we don't want to talk about what I was doing at that age. No piercings or tats but. . .Course, I use the logic that I was too smart to let any of that behavior affet the rest of my life, but all teenagers lie to themselves about that.
Thanks guys, I feel soooo much better! |
I agree. Bottom line, you DO need to talk.
Funny that you both said that I must have a great relationship with my parents...My father left when I was a small child, and I have not seen him since I was about 5. For a number of reasons I will not go into, I was unable to have a relationship with him, and was very hurt and angry for a number of years. My mom raised me on her own, and we were very close. She passed away when I was 17, and I've been on my own since. (I have no siblings.)
I remember being a rebellious teenager, but I also remember how much I knew she would be disappointed in me if I made bad choices. That disappointment was much worse for me than any grounding or other punishment. My mom took the stance that she was the parent, and she was in charge, but that I did get "votes". And with those votes came privileges, but also big responsibilities. The worst thing I could do was to make her lose confidence and trust in me. I've taken what I learned from my own relationship with my mother, and I can only hope that I too can be the same type of mother to my children when that time comes.
Beginning to make our own decisions is part of being a teen and growing up, and it's hard to know when to treat your child as a a child, and when you treat your child as an adult. I think in this instance, you should treat her as an adult, since she chose to make an adult decision-to get the piercing. Finding out WHY she did it, WHERE she did it, and HOW she did it will build trust between the two of you, and ultimately should bring you closer together. I also think that if you discuss this in a very calm, adult manner, you will have a more productive conversation. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be consequences for disobeying you, but I feel there's probably more to the story, and finding out what's in the bigger picture would do good things for both of you. You can also take this time to discuss with her why you didn't want her to have this piercing (the way it looks, the idea of it, the medical/physical risks, age, whatever your feelings are on the issue). Once she sees things from your eyes, she may think differently about it. Probably not, because she's 15, but someday she'll appreciate it. I promise.
The more I think about it, I think that if possible, you should allow her to come to you with it-how could she have a chance to even lie about it? The minute she faces you, she'll HAVE to tell you because you'll see it. Now, if she does take it out ahead of time, then I definitely think you should approach her with the issue-but at the right place and time. You don't want to spoil your joyful homecoming with this one small issue. You have been apart for some time, and you both probably have your own feelings and things you need to work through-individually and together-about the time you've been gone. You have many things to catch up on together, and this 1" of metal shouldn't be the focus.