I know that when you tell us how sad you are, or that you feel guilty, etc, you are just telling us what you FEEL, not what you KNOW.
Like, obviously you KNEW it was an accident, and that these things happen, and that your boyfriend was just as sad as you....but you still couldn't help FEELING mad at him, or wishing you'd been more careful, or whatever.
And you KNOW that you are not alone in this kind of tragedy happening to you, but it still FEELS like a horror. Right?
So I know we all keep telling you not to feel guilty, because you don't HAVE to, etc...and I'm sure you understand that....but I also understand that it HELPS you just to talk through your feelings, even the ones that you know might not be the most rational . Is this right?
I'm just trying to understand how you feel. When we say, "don't feel guilty", or, "it was an accident", please don't feel like we are trying to tell you not to post about those things anymore. I think we understand that you are just working through your grief, and everything you are thinking and feeling is NORMAL. And it's HEALTHY that you're talking about it. I hope your boyfriend is able to talk to someone about it too....my heart really goes out to him, and how horrible he must feel.
Quote:
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"As with any loss, you don’t really get over it. You get through it and assimilate the experience, so that the life and death of the one you love becomes part of your life story—part of what makes you uniquely you."
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I really like this. You will never forget Ella, and the brief time she was in your life, and the horribly sad way she left it. But the things you are going through now CAN end up being positive...making you a stronger person in the end.
There is a saying that grief stretches out your heart, and leaves you with a greater capacity for love and happiness in the future. I really believe that, and I hope you eventually find it to be true in your own life.