When you're in a room with comedian Joan Rivers, New York gossip columnist Cindy Adams, and a dozen nervous dogs, it's hard to know just who will bark and who will bite.
But when that room happens to be a QVC television studio, and the prima donnas are bent on selling cutsie-wootsie doggie couture, the answer becomes clear.
The women bark. The public bites.
This week Adams - best known for dribbling boldface celebrity names all over her daily copy in the New York Post - introduced America to her new line of dog clothes and accessories. Because she thinks every Fido needs fashion.
That's right, needs, as in what good are food and shelter without a durable polyurethane hooded raincoat with satin polka-dot ribbon trim that sells for $28.26 plus shipping and handling?
Surrounded by camera-ready pugs, Pekingese and Maltese dressed in T-shirts, hats and sweaters, Adams batted her false eyelashes in bemusement when asked why anyone would bother to outfit an animal.
"Because a well-dressed dog has become the newest must-have human accessory," she said, straight-faced. "My mother and I used to wear the same thing for fun. So why not my dog?"
Which goes to show that puppy lovers come in two basic breeds. Those who swathe their schnauzers in doll-size schmattas. And those who shudder at the thought.
I like my dogs naked. But what do I know?
According to the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association, pet owners spent $32.4 billion (that's a "b" - think beds, bones and beyond) in 2003. I don't know how much of that went toward canine cover-ups, but it's safe to assume it was a tidy sum.
In the 15 years I've owned dogs, I've laid out about $60 on collars and harnesses. No shoes. No mufflers. No miniature motorcycle jackets.
"Now, this is the most wonderful thing I've ever designed," Adams purred into the camera as she displayed a pint-size pink sweater trimmed at the neck with a dramatic Marlene Dietrich-style faux marabou collar. Only $19.97 a pop.
Sitting obediently on her lap was Juicy, Adams' three-pound pocket dog, wearing the same sweater in tangerine. She is one of the longtime gossip queen's two tiny Yorkshire terriers. The two-pound boy is called Jazzy.
"He's the only male in my bed these days," Adams quipped.
Because she's new to the television shopping game, Adams asked her friend Joan Rivers, a veteran QVC peddler, to sit next to her during her one-hour pet fashion show Thursday afternoon.
Jewelry designer Judith Ripka, QVC hostess Patti Reilly, and fur designer ("I usually work with dead animals") Dennis Basso also helped pitch the dog togs.
"In this sweater, your dog will look like Anna Nicole Smith," crooned Basso, whose deep voice was as gravelly as a kennel run.
Five hundred sweaters sold in 20 minutes.
Next came the crew-neck polka-dot T-shirts with arm and waist trim, $12.67 plus shipping.
"They're cut to stop right at the pee-pee line," Rivers said as she patted her 25-pound dog Lulu, which she called "the largest Boston terrier in captivity."
Lulu's shirt strained a bit in the shoulders, making her look more butch than bitch. But that didn't seem to matter. Seven hundred tops sold in eight minutes flat.
Denise Carfagno, a QVC representative, said that the shopping channel started hawking pet stuff about nine months ago and that the response has been tremendous.
"They are about as popular as our low-carb products, which are also really hot right now," she said. "Cindy's show was the first time we devoted an entire hour to pet accessories, and the customer reaction was really strong."
How strong? Try 7,000 items - from T-shirts to faux-crocodile doggie tote bags and chenille sweaters - out the door in 60 minutes.
So don't be surprised if next week your neighbor's poodle prances up the street in patent leather. It's the passing fashion, and if we're lucky it will soon roll over and play dead.
http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/8617459.htm?1c