[babyface]

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than
you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up
in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try
to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years
- canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain
About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids... they eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also
lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill
him/her). They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for university - and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the children.