[airplane]

Just to say what all has been happening, I did a long trip throughout BC and Alberta to scatter Maezie’s ashes at vacation spots that we’ve been to and have meaning to us. I just got back home. It was a two week vacation of sorts I guess. I also kept a small amount of her ashes to be kept in a piece of memorial jewelry, a pendant, that I can always keep with me and wear. I never thought I’d ever have something like that but I just feel like I was robbed of so many years with her, so at least I can keep her close with the pendant. And I got the pendant engraved too. I bought it in Victoria.

I don’t know how much my experience will help others, but I will say that it’s changed my opinion about anesthesia. We all know the odds of risk of death with it and how the circumstances are often cases where a dog would’ve died with or without being put under anesthesia. And just how it’s so rare for a young healthy dog to die under anesthesia. For what specifically happened to Maezie - a fatal anaphylactic shock in response to one of the drugs used (propofol in Maezie’s case) that happens suddenly during the induction phase of anesthesia - the odds aren’t even known but as far as I understand are assumed to be 1 out of multiple tens of thousands.

For me now, even if my vet recommends a dental, I’ll say no unless the circumstances are something like the jaw bone is rotting away or it’s so painful your dog can’t eat or something along those lines. I think I’d almost rather wait for it to be that bad. Because they say the benefit has to be worth more than the risk, so to me it’s gotta be an absolute necessary procedure otherwise it’ll never be worth the risk. I had one person tell me that I won the lottery that nobody wants to win. It seems to me the easiest way not to win that lottery is not to play or limit your playing as much as possible.

I asked for, and received, the necropsy report. So I can see why I was told it was anaphylaxis that happened to Maezie. Although I am upset with my veterinarian for not being able to suspect anaphylaxis when I first questioned her about what she thought happened. I pressured her to tell me and she actually stomped her foot and said she didn’t know. She was very upset too and her eyes were very red I assumed from crying. But just the circumstances of when it happened, how it happened, how quickly it happened, and also I did recognize when Maezie was brought in to the room as her face as looking a little bit more puffy than normal (which I now know thats cause there was congestion in the oral and ocular membranes), I think the vet should’ve suspected anaphylactic shock and told me that without there needing to be a necropsy done. So I’m upset about that because the research is pretty conclusive about that stuff. There was plenty of clues pointing towards anaphylactic shock that I think she should’ve told me she suspected Maezie died from. Beyond that though, it is documented the life saving efforts they took, including giving epinephrine, but it obviously didn’t work in Maezie’s case. But I’m happy they did do that. But maybe it didn’t happen quick enough and I also understand that anaphylaxis, especially severe reactions, can still lead to death even when properly treated. It can be a very serious emergency.

My other dog, Théo, the only dog I have left after losing Bijou and Maezie, for 3 weeks he was noticeably depressed. Just moping around and acting very distant and sad. I’ve heard many people say dogs live in the moment, but he has noticeably been grieving. Just this last week I can now say he’s coming around. But at the same time he’s different. He shows more insecurity in situations that he never did before. I always thought he had a healthy bond with Maezie. They were close but not in too much of a way or an unhealthy way, but he’s been different. They’ve been with each other their whole lives and he definitely has to be feeling a big adjustment.

It’s now been a month since Maezie died. I’m lucky I still have a job cause I’ve only worked 4 or 5 days since her death. But I still got my job so I’m ok. It still hurts just as much today as it did a month ago. I’m upset that my mom has made comments about me grieving too long and that I need to get over it. She was very upset too and was close to Maezie, but in just a couple weeks she seems completely over it. I envy that a little bit because I don’t know if I’ll ever just get over it. It’s really tough to talk to anybody about it because I’ve even received a couple comments that kind of diminish Maezie’s life or how big of a loss it is for me. Things like “Is this the worst thing to happen in your life” or “Could you imagine if it was a person”. Just comments like that that make me upset. I devoted so much love, effort, and time into Maezie as well as all my dogs throughout my life, and to have one die at such a young age of just over 3 years old, that’s hard for me to take. I kinda have just been chalking up peoples lack of understanding of that to maybe a lack of their social skills. We can all recognize it when a person dies but when a beloved pet dies it seems some people can’t recognize that loss as being a big deal as well. But there was one lady in particular who I know who was nice to speak with and understands the grief and the hurt. Maybe we’re both just histrionic people, I don’t know. Lol. But it has been nice to have someone to talk to who understands.

All that’s left for me to do that I want to do, is to memorialize Maezie with a box frame of some of her stuff. I normally wouldn’t do something like a big frame but she’s got so many rosettes from dog shows that I gotta do something with, plus her favorite toy, her wrapping jacket, a beautiful scarf she received as a gift, harness, leash, show lead, one of her bows, some pics of her, etc. Lots of stuff to put into a frame and I want to have something on my wall that I can keep forever. I have a drawing of Bijou on my wall and I want something for Maezie too.

Lastly, if I could go back in time and do it over again, I would’ve skipped her previous dental where she had a lot of teeth extracted. I think about half of her teeth were removed at that time. I would’ve said that, since the vet had told me she had already recognized her as being the type of patient that is going to end up with all her teeth needing to be removed, why not just wait until they can do all or most of the teeth being extracted at once. That’s my one regret. I could’ve saved one occasion of her being put under anesthesia, and possibly even her life. The plan was to have all her teeth removed in order to avoid doing a dental every year, I just wish that would’ve happened previously. The vet recognized that and told me her suspicions of that. So I wish we would’ve acted on that from her dental from last year. But at the same time who could’ve predicted an anaphylactic reaction, especially such a severe one. But like I said it’s a lottery I want to limit my playing of. That’s probably the best advice I can give based on my experience.