[nanajoy]

I know, from personal experience, how terrible the feeling of regret can be. Three years ago we had a sweet, feisty little yorkie named Tucker. He had come to us after losing our beloved Ozzie, on Mother's Day, to his final battle with collapsing trachea at the young age of 6 years. Tucker helped my husband and I deal with our grief, and was adored by us both.

We had waited until he was 8 months old to have him neutered so that he would cross the 4 pound weight mark. We had all of the blood work and pre-op testing done. Tuck was just learning to "fetch", and before we dropped him at the vet office he played a happy game with us. My last memory of him was having him romp back and drop his little ball at my feet...so proud of himself.

My husband and I dropped him off, then went to breakfast to distract us while he was having his surgery. We had just entered a store to begin our Christmas shopping for our grandchildren when the vet's office called. The surgery was just finishing when his heart stopped on the table, and they were not successful in reviving him.

We were in a total state of shock, and devastated. I questioned the doctors, questioned whether we should have left him intact, and felt guilty in the extreme. His doctor cried with us, and took much time to comfort me and tell me that we did nothing wrong, but the feeling remained for a long time.

I have now come to a place of accepting that we did everything that we could to make a decision which should have assured him a better quality of life (i.e. reduced the risk of testicular cancer). We did due diligence to have tests run, pre-op workups, and discussions about anesthesia. You shared here all of the things that you did to reach the conclusion that this was the best course of action for your little one. Nothing in life is without risk...I am truly sorry that your boy has had such a terrible time with his recovery, and I know that it breaks your heart. Please, please try to let go of the "guilt" and second guessing that you are feeling. It will only take away from the focus you will need to help him find his "new normal".

I am sorry for such a long post, but hope that it helps you to know that there are others who have survived the doubt and sadness that can come when we have had to make these challenging decisions. May you soon find peace and continued strength! (((hugs)))