[Twynkys]

I figured I would post in here to get it all off my chest, as no one understands but you all. Mine and dam's first litter was born 12/27-28. Our runt was only 2.5ozs at birth. She was breached and her much larger brother came out right behind her only 12 minutes later. He had her placenta and umbilical cord trapped behind him but I worked as fast as I could my my tiny girl seemed to be doing ok. Of course the next 24 hours they all lost weight, then I noticed everyone putting weight back on but her. Of course I was nervous, but I had done so much reading around here trying to prepare for this litter before they were even conceived that I hoped I would be ok. I went and got everything for supplemental feeding laid out by YorkieMom1. I used a dropper instead of a tube as I didn't realize I had a tube feeding kit. I took things very slow and then started noticed my baby girl going from 2.0oz to 2.3oz by the end of the night. The only thing was that I also heard some noisy breathing which terrified me. I however was told I was being paranoid and worrying myself to death so I left it alone. When the next "2 hour feeding mark" came, I went to grab her and noticed things were not good. She was very limp and gasping for air. I immediately told my husband something is definitely wrong and called a vet in my area. I was told to bring her in then told I would have to drive 1.5 hours away to the only 24 hour vet hospital as this vet may not have everything they needed to treat her. I rushed everyone in the car and hit the highway. I told my husband before we left I didn't think it was worth going, but I had to keep fighting for her. She was barely breathing but she held on until we made it to the hospital. They told us there was nothing they could do and we went ahead and put her to sleep. It makes me so angry that we could not get care in our area. I can't help but to think "what did I do wrong? what didn't I do? what would've gave me a different outcome? Is it because I didn't tube feed her and maybe she aspirated? What if that 1.5 hour drive didn't need to happen and she could've been saved?" I also try not to get angry at my husband because I kept telling him something was wrong and he made me feel like I was just crazy when I knew I should've taken action then. I fought so hard to keep her going, keeping her warm on my chest, just to lose her anyways in the end. Most people don't understand that even if she was just born and died at 5 days old that there was a strong bond already formed. It hurts to talk about her, think about her, look at the pictures from her short life. But, going back looking at pictures and videos we did find that there was something wrong at birth that we just didn't recognize at the time. So then I wonder if this was just supposed to happen or if I would've noticed this right away and acted swiftly would she still be here. Even the vet didn't catch it when their tails were docked and dew claws removed. Maybe she was doing good at that time? I don't know All I know is that this baby touched my heart in just a few short days and I don't like being without her. Its almost as bad as when I lost my 4 year old nephew almost two years ago due to doctors mistakes. Sorry this is so long and I'm just rambling. There is no one I can talk to about it who will kind of understand.