[barneysmommmy]

I guess I'm one of the odd ducks who just didn't know it was time to let go. Poor Max had so many problems, congestive heart failure, collapsed trachea, arthritis....Then, he started getting night time dementia. It was awful. I can remember having to hold him and walk him around at night because he would roam the house crying, but I wouldn't let go. And his eyes big as saucers would just frantically look around trying to find some sort of comfort. We tried everything, but nothing really worked and I felt like I was being selfish because it was wearing me down walking him around all night every night.

Finally, one morning I just looked at him and knew. But it wasn't sweet and he wasn't telling me he was ready. At least if he was, I wasn't hearing it. I just kind of thought that I couldn't remember the last peaceful time we'd had.

So, I drove him that afternoon to the vet. On the way there, I thought of all the things that maybe the vet could do: another pill for CT, maybe something else to try to help him sleep at night. But there's not really a pill to turn back 16 years. When I got there my vet held my hand and said he was very sorry, not for Max, but for me because Max needed to cross and the vet could tell that I just wasn't ready.

Holding Max in my arms that day was the hardest thing ever, not because Max was struggling, but because it was the first time in a very long time that he was peaceful, not scared, not struggling to breath, just peaceful. His big ole eyes closed, his breathing became slower and slower, and he went on over. I have guilt, but not over the choice that day. My guilt is because I didn't know sooner how hard it was for him. I pray for you that when the day comes that you will need to make the choice, that your heart will hear what mine couldn't. It's such a difficult decision to make, but in the end, our pups are counting on us to help them through that journey.