I'm so sorry but your post made me LOL!
But in all seriousness, I understand your worry bc going up on the table or bed can be dangerous...
When their poopie does not come out right away, I notice mine do the walk or even run (that's how Turbo got his name) & poop. They end up in the hallway (their potty area is set up inside my bathroom) or even my office! It doesn't happen often, but I've found tootsie rolls here & there b4.
I've noticed they prefer to go outside, so I try to time their potty area & either let them out in the backyard or take them for walkies. Hope you'll find a schedule for him.