[tutters]

After my Jake got taken to Rainbow Bridge on March 26, the only being I care about anymore is my 3 year old Yorkie girl, Kiri. Otherwise, I just don't want to live, but I won't commit suicide so please don't email me not to do it. I just wish I'd not wake up, expect for Kiri. My non-domestic quasi-partner may have uterine cancer, and she won't see a dr until this Wednesday, so now there's that worrying and terror. And when I paid bills last Friday, I was $200 short so now I'm going to be short out of my tax refund that I set aside to pay a huge sewer repair bill. I can't win. I picked up Jake's ashes this last Saturday and it broke my heart. Then I went to church on Sunday and the pastor preached a sermon about Lazarus, and the whole time he talked about graves and death and decaying bodies. I could hardly sit there because every word was a knife making me hurt for my little Jake. Nothing is any good anymore. I don't see any joy at all in life except for Kiri, and I don't care about anything or enjoy a damn thing. And now I have to worry about my gf possibly having cancer. Everybody I love ends up dying of cancer, and now her and right after Jake died. I just wish I could disappear.