Each and every one of you who post touch my heart in a special way that defies all words. I know it must be hard to read my posts, and I am sorry to spill my pain over all of you..... however I am grateful to all of you for allowing me to speak freely and grieve and be frustrated, and angry, and sad without holding back. Some of my closest friends have to back away at times, as they cannot handle the pain I am feeling.
Wednesday was terrible, I was so full of doubts and questions. My BF flew in, and is also grieving, and full of questions. Jeannie, you are so right, I am too detail oriented, wanting answers I know are impossible. Kristin, I know what you are saying that we can't control every movement and protect them from every possible thing, they need some freedom. Unfortunately, Meika was always over reactive to any strange noise and movement and would be the one who would grab onto something before thinking about it. I could never change that, and that was the thing that lead to her demise.
Gardeners searched for toads and didn't find any, and I am uncomfortable knowing that a possibly poisonous toad is still lurking outside. We will continue to rake and look, and watch the other 3 pups.
I do have periods of peace, which are interrupted by moments of deep sadness. I have had a long discussion with the manager of the 2 vet clinics on their lack of emergency support on Sundays, and about the receptionist that put me on hold 3 times when I first called, without even listening to my first words of panic, and the lack of an anti-venom or proper education of the extremely toxic toads on our island. I have Googled and learned so much, it seems I know more than she does about these toads, and she has asked me to share all info gained with her and their vets. Of course I will, no one should ever go through this. I realize too that there is a possibility that Meika's diabetes (plus I totally suspect she may have had Cushings too), and the amount of toxin she received, contributed to her sudden death. I'm exhausted, and trying to rest and welcome peace when it comes.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost beloved fur kids. I have lost 2 before, but this one is the worst ever. I know things will get better, and I will wait. My other 3 furgirls are adjusting, and taking on different personalities; it is noticeably more quiet around here. It is very interesting, and I'll tell you more about it later. Thank God I have them or I'd probably just go drive off a cliff.
I wish I could give each and every one of you a big hug and thank you in person for your caring support. You don't know how much it means.
Warmest Aloha,
Sandy |