[Claire]

After over 3 months of hearing nothing and fearing that he was dead my x husband called tonight (I call him my x even though we are not divorced yet). My phone rings (I don't have caller ID anymore) and I hear a gasp on the other end of the line and I knew it was him. He started crying so hard I could barely understand him. He cried even harder when he heard Mia in the background. He told me that he loves me and he is messed-up in the head over all of this. He kept repeating over and over again that he misses me. He tells me that he has not cheated on me, that he has been faithful to me. I got up enough nerve to tell him that if he wants another woman to go for it and I told him that I was not in love with him anymore and that I wanted nothing from him except for a divorce and custody of Mia. I felt so free finally saying that to him. He then started acusing me of "cheating" on him. I told him that my personal life was none of his buisness. Then he tells me that he wants to see Mia. I do not want my daughter going off with a drug addict alchoholic even if he is her father. I did not say that to him, I just changed the subject. We did not talk for long and God only knows when I will hear from him again. I'm just glad that I did not break and cry on the phone to him like he was to me. I held my ground and acted like I was over the whole relationship.
I quit smoking three weeks ago and I have NEVER wanted a cigarette so bad. Part of me does miss him and it broke my heart hearing him cry like that but I can't let him know that. I am mad at myself for feeling this way and for crying over this phone call. Next month it will be a year that he left, we were together for 10 years. I figured that after a year I would be over it... but I'm not. I hate admitting that I am not over him yet.