[linz06]

I am not sure what the etiquette is for destination weddings!

In September, my husband and I are going to New Orleans for my cousin's wedding. We are the only two people going with them, because they don't want a big wedding. They just want us to be their witnesses. It is costing us between 2500-3000 to go down for a week (based on the cheapest flights, and bidding on hotels through Priceline!). We are travelling from Canada so it's a bit of an expense. We also are using up a week of holidays from work for it. Are we still expected to buy them a gift? If nobody else is actually invited to the wedding, should she have a bridal shower? Bachelorette party? Being the only person going to the wedding, I am basically the bridesmaid and should be planning these things for her, if they are happening.

In November, my brother is getting married in Mexico. This is a huge expense for us, because they originally were getting married here in our city. So we went ahead and booked our holidays for this year to take into account my cousin's wedding, as well as our dream trip to Africa which we did earlier this year. Then, my brother announced his resort wedding in Mexico, at a place that through their travel agent, would cost over $1500 EACH to go down. I found it cheaper on Expedia and booked there instead. We have a layover but we stay at the same place and save $300 each. At this point, every penny counts.

My brother got really upset at me for not booking through their agent. When my husband talked to their agent about getting the same rate, the agent told him that their rates are higher because my brother and his fiance get the monetary equivalent of 1 free stay (so about $1500) for every 10 people who book through the agent, plus for a certain number of bookings through them, they get extra stuff added to their wedding at no cost to them. So they are getting kickbacks, and I think that's why my brother got upset with me. They did not do actual invitations, but invited a few hundred people on a Facebook event. They invited their whole friends lists basically - even friends of mine who grew up in the same town as my brother but have never been friends with him.

So all of that said, this is costing us about $2500 extra that we didn't budget for this year, as well as we each have to take one week off work with no pay because we already have our paid holidays used up by then. It's a huge cost, but I can't just skip my brother's wedding! Am I still expected to buy a gift?

I've never been to a destination wedding before, and I had my own wedding locally, so I'm not sure how to go about this! When I google it, I get all sorts of different answers. My cousin's wedding is sort of a special case because it's more of an elopement, that everyone knows about but nobody is invited to.

If it makes any difference, both sets of bride and groom got us great gifts at our wedding and I feel like we should reciprocate that, but travelling to be there for their weddings alone is a HUGE expense. It's thousands and thousands of dollars that we don't just have laying around, but we really want to be there for their weddings.