[Muffie's Mom]

Preparing for Failure

When Edison was criticized for his many failures at making a light bulb, he replied that he had found thousands of ways on how not to make a light bulb. It wasn't the one success that created the light bulb, but the thousands of failures it took to discover what didn't work. Every success is achieved by learning from failure.

You will fail. It is part of life. It is inevitable. Are you ready to face failure? Ready to face it not once, but several times? Are you ready to pick yourself up and go on with the battle? Most don't; they give up when they are at the closest point to success. But everything worthwhile takes time, investment and facing failure. Nothing worth gaining is gained without facing failure. Failure is a doorway. You need to be ready to go through it.

Failure is devastating if you have low self-worth. Parental criticism drove home demeaning messages: "you idiot, you blew it again." Feeling like a failure, we engage in self-flagellation, beating ourselves up and making endless apologies. We become focused on not failing instead of achieving.

Fear of failure is a terrible motivator. Instead, it will cause failure. When we do fail, it proves to us that we are a failure and we believe it even more. But you are not a failure. Every human makes mistakes. Why should you be any different? Making mistakes proves that you're not perfect. We learn by our mistakes. They are a part of life.

Blasted by Guilt

Guilt is anger directed inward, like a shotgun blasting pellets of blame at every part of our character. It screams, "you're always blowing it." It reminds you of all your other failures. You beat yourself up because you failed to meet some unrealistic expectation of yourself in a desperate attempt to regain control.

On the other hand, remorse or regret is good. It is good to feel badly about what we have done, see it as wrong, and want to change. Guilt ruins self-worth, but regret leads to change and growth. Guilt reinforces your belief that you are a "bad" person. Regret focuses on the behavior.

Guilt has a powerful effect on our thinking and emotions. When we feel guilty, we become sensitive and defensive. We close off to stop being hurt more. But although we have withdrawn, we have not changed. So guilt is really a cover-up because we never get to the point of feeling bad about what we did and taking responsibility. Guilt allows us to stay the same.

Regret works. Regret a bad choice. See it as a mistake. Become intent never to make that mistake again. You are not a failure because you made a mistake. You have made many good choices in your life. This wasn't one of them. Feel bad for a few minutes because of the benefits you lost. Grieve the loss quickly, refocus on your goals then move on. Getting enthused about your goals is infinitely more effective than beating yourself up with guilt. The past is the past, but our future is bright in Christ.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead. (Philippians 3:13)

Wrong Choice

If you were on a diet and you ate a banana split, you made a decision. You thought about it, weighed the good and the bad, then chose to eat ice cream. Your desire for fudge syrup, whipped cream and pineapple topping was stronger than your desire to stay on a diet, so you made a decision.

After the decision, you instantly blasted yourself with "I shouldn't have done that." If water flows down a predictable course, why should it flow down another? If you have a pattern of blowing your diet by eating ice cream, that pattern will continue until you change it, so how can you say you should not have eaten the ice cream? Your predictable behavior is to eat ice cream.

If you choose to eat ice cream, enjoy it. Make the best of the decisions you make. It wasn't the best decision, but you don't have to be perfect or make perfect decisions. Every decision requires you to weigh the good against the bad; otherwise, it would not be a decision

Blowing a diet by eating ice cream does not make you a failure. Who said that you shouldn't fail? Was it your parents? Society? Your peers? How can they expect you to meet a standard that they themselves can't keep? We all fail as humans; it is a part of life. When you are disciplining yourself, you will fail. And that is acceptable. It is OK to fail.

Guilt and the feeling of failure focus on the loss. We need to be focused on the challenge. No one would be reading this book if it were easy to stay on a diet program. So let's get realistic. You are not a failure. You made poor choices. Although you may know that, the feeling of failure is inevitable and you need to be ready to face it with courage.

No Good "Should"

Get rid of the word should. Should looks back. There could be a million things that we should have done, but we can't linger in the past; we are moving on to the future where we make the best of what we have and go on.

Instead of saying I shouldn't have eaten that, say:

"It would have been healthier if I had not eaten the __________."

"The best choice was not to eat the __________."

"The most disciplined choice would have been not to eat the __________."

"I would have felt better if I had not eaten the __________."

"Should" statements punish. Punishment causes resentment. Positive statements focus on the reward. Rewards motivate us.

When You Fail, Challenge Your Thoughts of Worthlessness.

"As long as I have something to contribute, I am not worthless."
"If the Creator of the Universe wants to be my friend, I am eminently worthwhile."

Preparing for Failure

Expect your resolve to be challenged by emotional ups and downs. Temptation, getting depressed, becoming frustrated or disinterested can knock you off the path. If you are prepared in advance for the fight, you will be able to get back on the path as quickly as possible.

Prepare for failure by learning visualization skills, self-encouragement, creative relaxation, avoiding ‘should’ statements, making resolute decisions and reaffirming your commitments. With these skills you will escape the failure cycle. When you do, life will be a lot more fun. The little things won't bother you so much. You will take the ups and downs of life in stride. You may stumble, but you won't fall.