[gaijingirl]

This is kind of a long post, maybe too long, but I just really need some support and right now from people with fostering experience, because I don't know if I am doing the right things and I've been crying so much worrying and feeling sad about this sweet dog!

My friend runs a rescue and was begging for fosters recently. I told her I would consider it on condition that the foster would be another small dog, comparative to my dog's size, for his safety, because he is only 4-lbs.
She was contacted about a dog who was on it's way to a kill shelter, supposedly a Yorkie-mix, under 10-lbs. She was so badly matted and neglected when we got her, you couldn't tell what she was. She is 20 lbs and looks to probably be a purebred Miniature Schnauzer....a bit weird how anyone could think the dog was that much smaller than it actually was! Even though the size was a concern to me, I agreed to take her because she is probably the most laid back, gentle and sweet dog I have ever met. Pretty much the exact opposite of my little Yorkshire terroist! She is the kind of dog that gets along with anyone and anything. Just had puppies recently and very motherly. She is soooo clingy. She absolutely lives and breathes for the love of people. Wants nothing else but to cuddle and be pet and cuddle some more. She is so easy to have around. My dog is about 10x the amount of maintenance this dog is.

I have only had her for 4 days and I have literally cried every single day because I'm so sad about her leaving. At the same time, I don't feel like adopting another is the right thing for me right now. I want another eventually, but I want another small one. I love big dogs...all dogs, really, but I have a small dog and everything I do and my whole life style revolves around a small dog. Even though this dog is so gentle, she potentially could still hurt him a lot easier than another small dog...like when she got excited and jumped off the bed a couple days ago and almost landed on him. He is less than 1/4 of her size, so it was a little scary in the moment.

I feel all this guilt, because I know if she was smaller, I would maybe be more likely to keep her. I feel it's almost like saying I don't like a person because of the color of their skin. She has the perfect personality and gets along with my dog, but from a physical perspective, she is not what I wanted.
I worry because I travel to Canada usually for a month at least, every year to visit my family. I can easily travel with a small dog, but I can't with a big dog. If my family was closer, It might be different. I'm 3000 miles away and It's hard feeling like you don't have people to rely on to take care of your dog. I don't think I know anyone here who I would trust to take care of my baby now, unless it was absolutely necessary in emergency for a short period of time.

And then I think, I am being so selfish because I could take another dog...I only have one. I am enjoying having two....although I don't know that I am ready to divide my time right now because we are working so much on training for our first agility competition this spring and already I feel like I'm neglecting the foster when I work with my own dog and then the other way around.

She can't be spayed until the 12th because she still has a lot of milk, but there has already been a ton of interest in her and my friend thinks she found someone who could be a good potential adopter. But i don't know if I can prevent myself from becoming more attached in the next 10 days! I just know how I would care for her and she would have the best of everything and a stay-at-home dog mom and a great life. I know there are lots of good dog owners, but also some people do so many things I don't approve of, even with the best intentions. What if they don't brush her teeth or clean out her eye goobies everyday? What if they don't train with positive methods? What if they just feed some middle of the road kibble? What if she's not allowed to cuddle in the bed at night? What if they just leave her out in the back yard for an hour to go potty instead of being there with her until she is ready to go in?
Am I being too paranoid?

It would be easier if I could approach it with the attitude that it's OK to find the dog a forever home elsewhere, because that gives room to save more...but I can't say that because I don't know if I can emotionally do this again. I get too attached and my heart is already broken. I know dogs adapt, but she has been neglected and abandoned so much...I'm so scared that she will just get comfortable here and then she will get moved again and she will wonder why I acted like I loved her and then left her. She might love her new home, but there is still going to be a time when she is going to look for me. I know she will. She panics every time someone leaves the house....even people who don't live here! (she's gonna have some problems with separation anxiety, I think).

I don't know if I can do this again, but there is a huge amount of guilt about not doing more to help animals in need, when you have the time and resources to do it and feel passionately about it. How do you people who foster deal with all of the emotion? I am so sad and so worried about doing the right thing and being a good dog owner.