[rubymoon2072]

i prefer to be a hobbit and be left alone! but there are times my bff has pushed me out the door and that has really helped. i more internalize my depression. i have always had family issues and had depression and handled it ok. ive tried meds and dont continue on them. they dont take the depression away. nor have i really been diagnosed because i dont really tell the doctors the truth about it. ive always have to the strong one. i was the parent with my parents and still am to some extent. it takes a major toll on your mind.... but knowing that one day my dh is going to wake up and say i cannot walk please take me to the er....and after that surgery it is a 98.5 percent chance he will be wheel chair bound is what has been choking me for months. we cry about it and get up and try to let it out. we talk about it a lil here and there and i try to tell him well there is still a chance you will walk afterwards........but in my heart it just breaks for him. we are only 41 and 40 and it feels like everything we worked hard for in our adult life is no longer. everything has changed now and it is just really hard to adjust, swallow and accept. i see him in such pain everyday and know i have to do as much as i can to take the pressure off him but it leaves me feeling like im in a cooker and a bit angry too.