Thanks everyone. I am so lost right now, but I know this is what was best for her...she was in so much pain and hadn't been able to eat real food since before Christmas.
My husband has taken the week off of work to be with me so that I don't have to drive to the funeral home/my dad's house on my own this week.
It just doesn't feel real yet. My phone will ring and my stomach will jump like it used to when my mom was in the hospital because I was always afraid of getting the phone call I got this morning. Now that it has happened, the phone rings and I panic, then remember it has already happened and then just break down again.
I told my husband that for the last few months I was constantly worried about my mom, was always worried about the what ifs? and getting frustrated when she wasn't getting better...and as much as I hated that worry, I almost wish I could worry.
I feel guilty for all of the times I got frustrated and questioned if she really felt as bad as she did...I know I can't go back and change anything, I just feel horrible that I used to complain about having to go there all the time and watch the dogs when a nurse came over. I feel guilty that the last night she was at the house (beginning of January) I left early because I wanted to go home and sleep (I hadn't slept all night) and she was really tired and was going to go to sleep. I really hope that she never thought for once I didn't care about her...I quit my job a year ago to take care of her and her last night at the house, I left early because I was tired and my dad came home. My husband keeps telling me I shouldn't feel guilty because I spent so much time with her that me leaving that night wasn't something that she would hold against me, I went and saw her as often as I could when she was in the hospital. I just feel so guilty about it and I just want one more day with her.
Sorry for the rambling, I am alone with my thoughts right now and my mind is racing. |