Going through a heck of a time right now. The last couple of days have been hard. I've been very short with both my skin daughter & Princess. I've lost my temper & yelled out of frustration, slammed drawers shut, whatever. Never hurting anyone physically but sometimes it's just too much to hear her insist on playing when I am barely keeping my head above water. I just want to be left alone for one second. Quiet so I can at least acknowledge all that's going on inside my heart & mind. Well the need for quiet is really 'paying off'.
Yesterday we all went to my parents so I could chill but mostly so Princess could play & get some extra attention. I know I've been neglecting some of her emotional needs. Not that I want to but just because I can't even tend to my own. It was pretty relaxed over there & she seemed to have fun with the four other dogs & my family.
But last night she ignored me after we got home the entire night. She slept with dd- at about 2a.m. I climbed in bed with them just to have a few moments of closeness as I know I'll be in the hospital soon for a week+ or so if I can handle it until then. I got in bed and Princess left-she never came back. I worked & tried to prepare for my absence & when I came home Princess couldn't care less. I gave her a treat to soften her up & she ate it and that was it. We have a ritual for when I come home & it never fails. It did today. She still listens & came to me when called so I could give her kisses. Nope. She kept her head turned the entire time. Her tail didn't wag, she wanted down. Now I feel even more depressed. My dd understands what happens sometimes (she's 14 & sadly seen me in very dark times), but Princess must just think I'm an evil bitch.
Will she forgive me? Will she miss me when I'm gone & even be happy to see me return? I feel so terrible. I'm a terrible yorkie mom. I wish she knew how much I love her & how one moment of her personality & love can get me through an entire day. It just sucks that she really can't know that. What also sucks is the drama someone must go through to really get help. No wonder people don't even make it that far, there are so many hoops & so much bs I just can't believe it. And at the moment I have TWO forms of insurance-everything done with a doctor or in a hospital would be covered 100%. It's so frustrating to climb out of a pit when there are no walls to begin to scale. Sorry for sounding like a ridiculous cry baby & drama queen. My stuff I can handle, but hurting Princess is almost too much.