[iloverufus]

hi guys. a few months back i was on here quite regularly and i had shared my story of my best friend rufus. i had shared that on may 27, 2010 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and given a minimum of a 7 to 12 month survival rate with treatment. after a long fight, suddenly in two days his legs back legs became swollen and were filling up with fluid - his kidneys were shutting down. i kept wanting to put off this moment as long as i could because i was truly not ready to say goodbye but after seeing his legs and how he couldn't walk AT ALL and was no longer eating or drinking, i made the decision that today 8-3-2011 i would give rufus over to my parents and say my goodbyes and let him be at peace. i decided that for our last night together i would spend it with him and we slept on and off and at around 5am i woke my mom up and the two of us spent some time with him. sadly, before we could call the vet to make our appointment, rufus became very restless and his breathing became very erratic and shallow. he began panting and gasping for air. at around 7:10am, with my mother and me with him on the couch, he crawled into my mothers arms and passed away. i have so many feelings coming over me right now. i often would say yes he can go down next week and would never stick to it but at this moment i was so sad looking at him and so sad seeing him lose this fight, that i was truly ready to give him over and let him be at peace.

i'm trying to find reasons as to why it happened this way. at this point, i've come up with the idea that has brought me the most peace and that is that God understood my fears of handing him over to be put down and knew full well my feelings would turn to guilt for not being there. i for one don't believe you have to be there when your pet is put to sleep at least when your my age (22) and have parents who you know will stick with him to the end. i understand people's opinions about not wanting to abandon but my belief is that you have to do what is right for you. and what's right for other people is not necessarily what is right for others or myself.

the conclusion i came to was that the Lord felt that my feelings of guilt over what others say is right and wrong would be too strong and felt it was worth the pain of me being there and him passing before his family. and as heartbreaking as that was to watch, i believe there was a reason and that's the best one i can come up with at this point. last night i had written a 3 page letter to rufus in which i wanted him to know everything i felt and how magical these 8 years have been. sadly, i was not able to read it to him. i was not given the chance. that's the hardest part. however, what brings me comfort is that drafting a letter, when doing so, your feelings may be sincere and most certainly are, but when doing so, you're thinking of what you need to say and how to make it perfect. i think the reason i didn't get the opportunity to share it with him is that what i said to him in death wasn't as important as what i said to him in life. everything im my letter was for the most part shared with him as these 14 months drew in on us and i believe the reason i didn't get to express this letter was because those moments i spent with rufus sharing how i felt and just what he's meant to me were in a way more sincere because they were what i felt at that given moment. not what i had crafted to sound good as a send-off of our friendship. after a few hours of being in total shock and being able to scream and shout but not cry - it dawned on me why i wasn't crying like i had been these days and months leading up to this - i was in shock and in those moments right after i hadn't grasped what had just happened. now that the night is getting older i've cried again because it has now dawned on me that unfortunately i will never see my best friend again.

in rapid succession there's been moments today as i've run up and down the stairs that i think to myself "i wanna give rufus a kiss," before it dawns on me once more that he's really gone and i cry again.

however, if someone had told me the day i brought Rufus home that i would need to say goodbye 8 years later and had asked me if i felt it was worth it - i would've thought every so briefly and said "yes." some people get 14-16 years with their pets. yet, the most important thing i feel when you lose a pet is to pinpoint why he was brought into your life when he was, and why he left your life when he did - and i understand why he came to me at 14 years of age - to be there as i dealt with lonliness and not having many if any friends and be there for me as i navigated to figure out what i wanted out of life and where i want to go. and as to why i had to say goodbye now - that's simple too. i never got to say goodbye to my grandmother when she died, and because i'm moving out in 2 years, i needed to close this chapter now so that in the next 2 years i can keep moving forward even stronger and take what rufus has given me and move on to be happy once again rather than being 3000 miles away and never being able to say goodbye. most importantly, while i'm not a churchgoer or devoutly religous human being i learned that god does exist and that he doesn't do things out of spite or to make one sad or angry. he has a reason for why everything happens and why it happens at the times they do and rather than blame God, everytime i get sad i instead thank him for the gift of Rufus' love because now i'll never have to know what bad roads or paths i might have taken had i not gotten him when i did. i can speculate but i'll never have to live it because he gave his love to me always and for that unconditional love and forgiveness that us as humans should have - rufus did a remarkable job as a pet and i love him very much and always will.

thanks for listening.