[kara]

Ok, so I need a little moral support from those who know best how to give it, from those who may have gone through what I am going through just support in general.

Back story: As you know Matise was diagnosed with a liver shunt (early Oct. 05), then he had ameroid constrictor surgery to correct the shunt (Mid Oct 05). Well we had a very stressful time with him pretty much since we had brought him home in Nov. 04. He was sick (vomiting) off and on but it wasn’t attributed to the shunt until Oct. 05. I was always stressed is he ok is he going to get sick worrying for just about every minute of everyday. Then we finally found out what was wrong only to find out it was one of the worst possible things imaginable a liver shunt. All the stress I was experiencing wasn’t even going to compare to what I was about to go through. Within less than a week Matise was diagnosed and had surgery for a liver shunt. Which was followed by special food, meds and restricted activity.

We are now approaching our 3 month after surgery mark and that is also when we have the first post operation bile acid tests. We are hoping they come back good if they don't I will just die. For the last 3 months I have felt as though I was going to have a nervous breakdown at any minute. Let’s start when he came home from surgery. That was Oct. 19, I slept on the floor for 3 weeks during his restricted activity phase. On Oct. 23 we experienced a major hurricane in which we lost power-to my horror because Matise’s medication and food, both had to be refrigerated. We had 2 bags of ice. So we thought we would be good until there was more ice. Boy oh boy were we wrong. 2 days after the storm we sat for 8 hours in a gas line and after that we left for Orlando to a hotel with a mini-fridge for Matise’s medicine and food. We stayed for 3 days. We stocked up ice and supplies before heading back. We were without power for a total of 6 days. Then came another vomiting episode- this time there was blood. So off to the vet again. They deducted that he probably had an esophageal ulcer- probably brought on from all the meds and the location of his shunt. They also said he had acid reflux. Matise with acid reflux- at this point I am the one that should be treated for acid reflux from stress. EVERY SINGLE night since that diagnosis I am up during the middle of the night with Matise. Whether it is to take him outside to pp or give him meds or he woke up with reflux or that he is hungry-I have to feed him so to keep his reflux from acting up.

I haven’t had a moment’s peace in three months I worry about Matise every minute of every day. I am so tired and stressed out. Don’t get me wrong I love Matise more than words can express but I am tired and stressed. I worry every minute of everyday that I am doing all I can and is he ok and hoping that he is getting better. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? I will continue to do absolutely everything in my power to make Matise comfortable and happy but I am so stressed and tired all the time I just want to cry.

It was very hard for me to let Matise into my heart when we first got him because I was still recovering from the loss of my cocker Alex. When I finally let him into my heart he consumed it. I am very bitter against the breeder from which we got Matise. I am not putting all the blame on her because I should have been more educated about the health issues of yorkies but I was naive. We got duped from a very bad lady. But for some reason I know deep down in my heart Matise was meant for me, that there was a reason why our paths crossed if only for him to teach me to love again, if that is all then he succeeded. I just love him so much I want him to be healthy and happy and to be with me as long as possible-is that so selfish?

I just needed to talk with people who would listen and understand. Thank you all for listening.