[luvmydogs]

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not take a claim on it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating meto the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fallfaster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for
years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is 1) kiss me, then 2) go smell the other dog or
cat'sbutt. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
ourfront door:


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children.


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