I just finished reading the entire thread and...
I think that your own anxiousness may be the issue here. You said that you feel guilty and worried when you have to put her in her crate at night... and I'd bet almost anything that she can sense that. I'd bet that initially she sensed the sadness and grief in your home... and that the guilt and worry she has been sensing from you ever since has VALIDATED that she has a REASON to be fearful. Did, when she first became agitated, you speak in a soothing voice, maybe tell her "It's okay"? I know that may seem like the natural, comforting thing to have done... but dogs don't think like we do. When they hear "It's okay" in that soothing voice, what they hear is "It's okay that you feel fearful/stressed/anxious right now" and it serves to reinforce their fears. They think they are being praised for being fearful!
But if this is the case, then I think what you need to do is pretty simple. Try retraining her to her crate, only rewarding calm behavior with your attention. This may mean ignoring her and letting her cry it out again, which is sooooo hard, I know! (I'm sure you went through that process when you first got your baby, but it would probably help to start from scratch again. But, if she came to you already trained, please feel free to pm me and I can go over the steps with you - it's really pretty simple.) While you are doing this (this is really important!) you should never feel guilty, worried or anxious! You KNOW that there is nothing wrong with her being in her crate. She is not hurt, she is not in any danger... she is completely okay, just scared and with no reason to be. When you take control of the situation and reteach her that anxious/fearful behavior is NOT okay... She will be fine and right back to loving her crate.
Good luck, and I really think and hope that this will help you. And again, I am very sorry for your loss |