Alexander is so lucky to have you as his mom. All of your babies are. Months ago you spoke briefly about Alexander in the photography forum, and I've thought of both of you many times. I was hoping his arthritis had gotten better after the cold of winter. Alexander could not be in more capable or more loving care than you. You are so devoted to him, and it really warms my heart whenever you talk about him. It happened slowly with Ashley too, and although I was seeing signs of behaviors I didn't understand, I thought it was more normal signs of aging since she was sixteen when these behaviors became more noticeable. I thought the pacing at night was because of the gas in her belly, and we were trying to treat that. We did bloods and x-rays, but I was focusing on her anxiety with her doctor and the causes of her gas pockets, and didn't communicate my other worries. That is my big regret because I could have helped her sooner. I really just thought Ashley was just becoming more needy as she got older and that I was reinforcing her behavior by running every second she cried. We just tried to do all that we could do for her because we loved her so much and she also deserved our devotion. We were able to focus all of our energy on Ashley because we only had her to worry about. I had to leave her to go to work, and we did have to leave her for periods of days three times when my husband needed to be in the hospital. She really survived better than we thought she would. The degree of care had a lot to do with our own anxiety and need to make sure Ashley wasn't suffering. We wanted our baby to be happy, just as you do with Alexander. The only thing that makes me sure that her body felt relaxed a lot of the time is that she fell off the bed many times and didn't get hurt. As much as we watched her every minute, she fell a number of times, even in front of me when I was watching her. I think that was because of cataracts that also started several months before she died and her desperation to get off the bed so she wouldn't have an accident. Ashley was only four pounds and it was miraculous to us that she never got hurt. She did start having accidents on the bed about a month before she died . We were thrilled that she wasn't getting close enough to getting off the bed and she was falling off less often. It honestly was no big deal, since we put pads and blankets on the bed and washing them was simple. The loss of bladder control happened very quickly. I thought it was a UTI since it came on so suddenly. Ashley was just about seventeen when she died. We know how fortunate we were to have her in our lives for such a long time. People thought it might have been a relief not to have to worry about her anymore, but they were wrong. I don't consider anything we did for Ashley a sacrifice, and we would have loved to continue caring for her forever. It was a gift to have her in our lives and to spend any amount of time we could with her. I totally understand how you are agonizing about doing the right thing for Alexander and not for yourself because that is what we struggled with constantly. That's why I kept telling her doctor to tell me if we weren't doing what was best for Ashley. I really hope you can begin to feel some peace in your mind about Alexander. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are always doing what is best for him. I pray Alexander's arthritis is able to be helped and also his symptoms for his dementia. You and Alexander are in my thoughts, and I am hoping for the best. |