[yorkiemom1970]

hello everyone,

I have not been on yt much at all since dec. 2. i have suffered the greatest tradgedy of my life other than when i lost my father. my two girls courtney and rio were pregnant as some of you know, and courtney had a rough time, and is now doing great. on the other hand, the love of my life, my rio wasn't so lucky. everything went terribly wrong. i am in tears as i type this so bare with any mis spells...rio deliverd 5 beautiful pups on nov. 29. 3 girls and 2 boys. it was a text book delivery. no problems what so ever. on dec 1st I noticed she had vomited twice. a greenish clear liquid with a bit of her food. i immediately call my vet because i call my vet when my dog's sneeze. well she told me it was probably where she had eaten so many placentas and it had made her sick, (ph call at 8 pm on dec 1) and to bring her in first thing next morn to be safe. well i did just that. she seemed lethargic by the time we arrived. so fast. i cannot express how fast this happened. after a going over, my vet palpated which i had done also and said that something just wasnt "right". they immediately opened her up and there was a tiny re-tained puppy inside her. it was unclear if it was male or female by this time. as they were removing it i felt a sense of relief. then suddenly when she was cut off from anethesia, she didnt wake up. nothing saved her. nothing. every thing was tried. she never woke up. i have lost it. i dont remember driving home with her, i dont remember speaking to several of my friends on the 2nd. i said things to my husband that didnt make sense. i cried until my eyes all but swelled shut. i have just lost my precious girl that i loved with all my heart and i had 4 orphaned babies. (forgot to mention her smallest boy didnt make it on day one) my gift from God was my Courtney who has taken these orphans in as her own. her babies are one week older. if only i had had my girl x rayed. maybe we would have seen the 6th spine and known she didnt pass them all. if only i had done that. i do sometimes, when i have a concern, but i didnt this time. i had no concerns. i am in shock, having hard ti me speaking to people at the moement and am having a hard time leaving my home for anything. these two litters have left me heart broken. i am completely heart broken. i cannot sleep, i cannot eat. i cannot think of anything but how empty i feel at the loss of my girl. she was truly my sidekick. my home is missing something so precious. our lives have been disrupted and we are grief stricken. this all happened so very fast that i do think i went into a mild shock. there were no signs of trouble for 3 days. there was no odor. there was nothing that i felt any concern over. i had no idea anythign was wrong. none at all. she was acting like a proud mommy, she was active. i have always done the very best i could concerning my yorkies. i have now faced the one thing that i prayed for so long that i would never have to face. i happen to love my dogs as my pets even though i am a hobby breeder. the things that we breeders face and go through at times is un-imaginable to some people. my mother said the sweetest thing to me today, she said: "your work involves love, so you have an attachment and most people wouldn't be strong enough to do it with the care you put into and to be able to keep going on with your responsibilites after you have your heart broke. most people dont realize what you can and do go through to have these pups for other people to love" she is right too. it is going to take me years to get over losing her. i am filled with guilt. i have her beautiful daugther from her past litter, my little "bridgit" and the look in her eyes is her mothers. she has been sticking close to me. she knows something's wrong. i now have these 4 precious babies that will never remember their beautiful mother that are like gold to me right now. they are like GOLD. they are more precious to me than any amount of money. they are what is keeping me going and getting me through this. my husband built a resting place for her and she has been placed in my favorite bed of daylilies. i cant believe i'm even typing this right now. i didnt know how i was going to be able to even talk about it. i have had a wonderful person who is my dear dear friend and a blessing to me from God help me through these last 2 days. my dear friend melissa, "annadoodle" has been my rock, my shoulder, my strength.
i had asked her to please not mention this until i was strong enough and ready to talk about it. i had all but decided that i was giving up on my dream, my passion as of 2 days ago. i said no more. then i realized tonight that i cant give up. that i must keep on keeping on and learn from every single thing that happens to me how big or small. the attachment and love that i feel for my yorkies is why i do this in the first place...to give other's the same kind of love i have and that they to desire to have in a yorkie of their own. may you rest in peace my darling girl, mama loves you rio. oh God, somebody please tell me how to take this pain away. i am hurting so bad and i'm confused and i just dont know what to do. i feel like everything is my fault. i want to crawl in a hole but i have to stay strong for my babies. my courtney is my angel sent from heaven. she has taken the babies and is loving them as her own. it is amazing and there is no doubt in my mind that is is a blessing from God for her to have had her babies near the same time. my life will never be the same. sorry this was so long, but i am just ready to let it all out or i'm going to lose it again. she's everywhere i go. every room of my home, there's something of hers, or a place she napped by me or a hair in a brush or something. i'm truly heart broken and i ask you all to pray for me to ease my pain. i have never hurt so bad in my life.