AHHHHHHHHH, I hate hate hate being in weddings just for this reason, if its not the dresses , its the favors and who has time to make them... Its always a BIG problem and no matter what you have that one person in the wedding party who wants to call all the shots but not participate in anything...
The last wedding I was in a few years back was a nightmare because we all lived far apart and everyone could not agree on a venue!! One girl was pregnant and one girl was really heavy, finding a dress was aweful, the poor bride fell apart because what everyone seems to forget is this is supposed to be the happiest day in your life and you cant fix something that comes out crappy.... I so agree with you that you should NOT upset the bride , just a suggestion could you possibly do two parties!! I know things are so freaken expensive tho, at the last wedding the shower cost 575.00 each bridesmaid, the dresses were 250.00 then close to 100.00 for decorations, then we all pitched in 200.00 for the wedding gift!! It was a nightmare collecting all the money , deciding on bacholorette locations, limos etc.. things are way out of signt now, GOOD LUCK and I do think you should not bother the bride other then to ask her if she would like two parties, one in each place so that everyone can attend??
