LOL! I can empathize with everything you wrote. My Ben does get to be both. He has a huge back yard all fenced in for him to run, chase birds, squirrels, and Candy (our Jack Russell). But when he comes in he also gets pampered with anything he wants. He trains us well. He can lead me all over the house to do his bidding without being able to say a word.
I vowed never to put clothes on a dog. But it wasn't a month into Yorkie ownership that I was ordering hoodies and pj's from go.fetch. Turned out Ben doesn't like clothes and thinks he cannot walk in anything with legs. So, I have to be satisfied with a couple of harness vests. Otherwise, I would probably have a closet with his name on it.
I remember the day I thought I would never treat my dog like a real human baby. But...... things change, what can I say. Ben is growing up a little though. I just placed a pet supplies order online and included a bottle of doggy cologne called "Aramutts."
At least he doesn't ask for the keys to the car.