[290harlow]

I am missing my little Tucker so badly I can't explain it. It's been a week ago today that we had to make the decision to let him go & my heart aches as badly today as it did then. I never imagined 4 lbs. of personality could bring so much life to a home. I remember thinking people were crazy when that talked about loving their animals like they loved their children but I see now that I am just one of the "crazy" ones. I am writing this in hopes that it will help somewhat to ease the pain and guilt I have in my heart right now...no one may read this but at least I can get it out...

I was never a person who really cared for animals. I never had pets growing up so I guess I never developed a passion for them. When my girls wanted a pet about six years ago I gave in to the family's wishes and we got a poodle-that didn't work out to well. After a not so nice personality turned to biting we had to give her to a new family who was better equipped at handling such a pet. Never again was I going to allow an animal in my home. About a year later my oldest daughter begged me to "just look" at a yorkie that her friend had just gotten...after more pleading I agreed to give pet ownership one more try. Long story short-I (not my children) picked Tucker out of a litter of five when he was six hours old and as they said in the movie...."you had me from hello."

We could not have asked for a better animal (and believe it or not I find it hard to even call him that). He was perfect...his personality from the beginning was so sweet. He was loved by the whole family but I often joked that he was "my little buddy." Being a stay at home mom, we spent the most time together. Our routines meshed together. He knew mine and I knew his. He loved people to fuss over him and believe me, everywhere we went he got fussed over. I'm guessing that was due to the fact that he was so tiny and he was a beautiful yorkie.

Around Thanksgiving he started having trouble breathing. After rushing him to the vet he was diagnosed with an enlarged heart. The fluid build up around the heart was causing the distress. He was placed on some medication and we waited for blood test results. The results showed he had what in simple terms was called a liver shunt. His body was basically poisoning itself because the blood wasn't being filtered through the liver properly. We were told at this point that it was a wait and see game...

The wait was horrible but we tried to enjoy every second with him. If possible we spoiled him more thatn he already was. One week ago today we rushed him to the vet only to find out he was in the last stages of kidney and liver failure. His body had basically consumed itself trying to survive and it was only a matter of days if not hours that he would have been able to go on. It was a matter of giving him the dignity he deserved to let the vet give him the relief and peace from the pain that I could not give him.

We brought him home wrapped in the same yellow blanket that awful night that he was wrapped in the day we picked him up to start his life with us. Hind sight is 20/20 and the "what ifs" are killing me. I never realized how intertwined our lives were with his. I wish I could just cuddle with him one more time...I wish I could tell him I'm sorry for all the things his little body had to go through these last months...I wish I could turn around and see his "happy" eyes calling for me to play with him...I wish, I wish, I wish!

I believe there's a heaven...and if our beloved pets are allowed, I know my Tucker is running in beautiful green grass believing that he is as big as his personality was.

I love you Tucker...and I hope we always did what was best for you. Rest peacefully little buddy.