I had a bullmastiff as my last best friend (what a lovely way of putting it). I echo the sentiment of a very short life span. My bullmastiff passed away just shy of his 8th birthday, and that was with almost 2 years of chemo treatments (diagnosed with lymphoma at 6). Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Hutchy and want a giant bear hug. I also agree with the drool. Funny what used to known as drool rags are now what we use to clean up accidents in the place. Hutch wouldn't dream of using the bathroom in the house unlike some yorkies I know.
I should give a little backstory - my parents got two bullmastiffs, Starsky and Hutch (female and male) during my freshman year of college. Starksy unfortunately passed away from bloat (common problem in these giant breeds, especially with the barrel chests) in her sleep. It still breaks my heart. Anyways, when I graduated from college, Hutch came to live with me, but he was always "mine." We just had a connection. As far as health problems other than the bloat and lymphoma, Starsky had already had corrective hip surgery before her 2nd birthday and Hutch had eye surgery for entropion around his 2nd birthday. They were not "cheap" dogs. I don't know if Hutch was a freak of nature of what, but I never thought what he "produced" so to speak was that much for his size. He did get high quality premium dog food. After living with my parents, who had five acres and a HUGE house, he adjusted to living with me in an apartment with almost no trouble. I suppose part of it was he didn't have his playmate to chase around any longer, but they are honestly pretty laid back dogs especially by the second year. He was very content to go for a few short walks to use the restroom per day. Sometimes we'd even have to coax him to go out.
I will tell you one of the reasons (besides always wanting a yorkie) that I decided to go with a smaller breed was due to the short life span. Another thing to consider (hate to be negative) was that if I didn't have my boyfriend around Hutch probably couldn't have gotten all the care he received to prolong his life, because when he was really sick there was NO WAY I could have picked him up and carried him up/down stairs or put him in or out of the car. My 6'5 boyfriend did all the heavy lifting and any type of mastiff that is dead weight is extreme.
Here is a very (long) video I made after he passed if you would like to see it:
HPN.wmv
I would stress the importance of socialization early on in these dogs. They can be very protective and weary of other "strange" dogs and people. Hutch didn't necessarily enjoy being petted by everyone he came across, but would tolerate it. He would almost walk up to them and wait as if to say, "go ahead." He did really like little girls (I guess because of the high pitched voices?). Hutch was much like the mastiff mentioned above - he never bit anyone, but surely gave the impression he might if you didn't leave his family be.
And after rambling so long about my big boy, I will answer your question and say that unfortunately I don't know of anything like English Mastiff Talk.
