[Marlee]

I think the part that upset me the most is I wasnt prepared. I have always celebrated his birthday in some way. Balloons, a small cake for my husband and myself, just something to acknowledge him and his birthday. When I was writing the check, I actully thought it was like the 4th or something, but not the 9th. The lady at the checkout must have thought something was wrong with me becasue when she told me the date I started crying. Of course I am not going to explian it, I just got my bags and left. I felt so bad, like I had betrayed him for not knowing what day it was.

I know his life and his loss had purpose, even in the short time he was with us. He taught me a lot about myself and my children. He also in many ways gaurnteed the youngest 4 childrens exsistance, for with out his loss I would never have wanted for more. (of course I didnt plan on 4 more either...lol)

I just love him and miss him so. I know for many it is hard to understand, the pain is really incomprehendable, unless you have been through it. It does become more tolerable from year to year, and as I said before in many ways it seems it seems as though he was just a dream I had once. I often wonder what he is doing, or what he would look like. He would have been 7, I probably would have bought him a bike for his birthday, I wonder what color his hair might be, and who he would look like. Sorry I am rambling. I just feel so sad, and also blessed that I did get the chance to have him in my life.

Travin Tanner Jensen was the biggest and most significant person in my life so far, becasue he changed everything about me. I love him and I miss him, every day. I know I will be with him again someday, somehow, ...it just such in the meantime.

Thanks for letting me share/ vent or whatever it is I am doing. It really does help to be able to write about him. For those of you that have also lost children, my heart goes out to you as well, it is a tragidy no matter what age or how they are lost. We as parents should never have had to live though such a loss, the pain is far worse than any I can imagine. For those that have not been through it, I wish for you the blessing of never knowing what it feels like.

thanks agian everyone.
Brandi