What a terrible situation to be in.
It does seem like non dog people are a slightly different breed than us dog lovers.
As far as training goes, I'm sure it's
possible to teach a dog not to eat food that is sitting right on the couch but it should be unnecessary. It's almost like teasing them. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to offer my support.
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"If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." — St. Francis of Assisi, 1181-1226