Edith, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a very loving person and you didn't do anything wrong. People deal with death differently, there's no right or wrong way of accepting it. Your reaction sounds perfectly normal. I bet you needed the maturity you have now to understand what your loss ment.
My father passed 4 years ago today and I still miss him terribly. Remember that no one is perfect and no one is a perfect parent. You can still love them for who they are, or were. I bet you, you have a guardian angel checking on you regularly! I know I do
God bless you ... and allow yourself to learn and cherish the loved ones in your life.