I know we can't say anything to really make you feel better.
Please know that everyone feels for you right now, and we've all been afraid of that horrible thing happening to our babies. My little one is 5 mos. now and I'm dreading that so much. It took me 4 yrs. to finally decide to neuter JPop, and fortunately all was ok. Try to remember your good times with your little boy and know he'll be waiting for you when your time comes.
I'm so very sorry.