Before deciding to follow the advice below, please note from the signature at the bottom from whom it came!
How To Wash The Cat!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation).
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry.
Sincerely, The DOG