[eensor]

I'm having a little bit of a pity party today. Maybe more than a little bit. The good news is I haven't smoked for 4 days. Lance Armstrong inspired me the other day when he was on Oprah to "live strong."

The problem is....I used to be very trim and pretty and now I am so huge. I hate myself and I just can't help it. Last night a friend came back from a trip and brought ankle bracelets back for all the "girls" in our group. Mine wouldn't fit around my ankle so I had to put it on my wrist! I was horrified, embarrassed and ashamed! My husband still loves me, but i know he isn't as attracted to me as he once was. I don't know what to do.

After my son as born (I gained 100 lbs. with him due to gestational diabetes), I had my stomach stapled so I didn't eat for 14 years. Then 2 years ago I had it unstapled due to scar tissue build-up and have gained over 80 lbs. Then to top it off, I had knee surgery about 3 months ago and it still hurts to walk very far, so exercise is difficult for me. When we were on vacation, I felt like an invalid! I was always the one who couldn't walk very far and held everyone else up, even though I tried not to.

I'm sorry this is so pathetic. I just needed to vent and I can't talk about all this with people face to face.