[Anna Banana]

I've given up my baby boy...

My family does a lot of animal rescue, with dogs, cats, and other creatures. A few months ago, I found a sweet, tiny puppy on the street, and brought him home with me. Unlike most of the little ones that walk in and out of our door, I immediately became attached to him and begged my mom for a chance to let his forever home be with me, but it remained undecided. I named him Woda, and he became the sweetest, most loving puppy I’ve ever known (yes, more than Wobie). I believe he was a Japanese Chin/ Shih-Tzu mix.

Long story short, it was decided that we couldn’t keep him, mainly for training and conflict reasons. This was purely my mother’s decision, not my own, but since I live in her house (I’m 19), I respect her decisions, as she works so hard to be a great mom, and asks very little of me, besides being respectful, responsible, and a good student. She found him an amazing home, with an older man that has recently lost his wife and previous dog. He has all the time, money, and love in the world to devote to him. I handed my baby away yesterday afternoon, after hours of just sobbing and holding him. I sent him away with his favorite blankets, toys, clothes, food, and treats, as well as pages of instructions on his preferences, behavior, likes, and dislikes.

I’m still not able to come to terms with the loss of my baby Woda. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that giving him away was a huge mistake. I can’t stop crying, I had to leave work several times today, just to sob in a bathroom or closet. I just want him back so badly. I feel empty. I got so used to having my two boys by my side, and I just don’t know how I’m going to face life without him. I haven’t done anything since giving him away, outside of taking basic care of Wobie and going to work, I need a shower and some food, but I just don't have the energy. In the heartbreaks, losses, and deaths I have experienced in my life so far, nothing is comparable to what I’m feeling now. It’s indescribable, just pain, disappointment, loneliness, inadequacy, loss, all rolled into one overwhelming feeling that makes me never want to do anything, especially even look at any other dogs but him. I was beginning to feel like eating, but now I’m back to just being nauseous and having a bad headache.

I feel even worse, because I am guilty for feeling this way. I should be happy that this man will provide my Woda with everything he could ever want, and I could only provide him what I could while I’m struggling to get through school, and move out, and afford another baby on top of Wobie’s expenses. This pain is so irrational to It also wouldn’t have been fair to leave my mom with an unwanted dog when Wobie and I move out. (Since he is an emotional support animal/ service dog, “no pets” rules don’t apply to him, but they would to Woda, making it very hard to find an affordable place.) I can’t help but sound like a little kid screaming “it’s not fair.” It’s not fair that someone else gets to live with, and play with, and love and take care of my baby, and it’s not fair I never get to see him grow up and become the sweetheart I know he will.

Wobie is fine. He seems to miss his brother, but more than anything, he’s confused as to why mommy is crying all the time and doesn’t want to play. He keeps trying to leap up and lick the tears off my face.

I’m sorry this is so long and incoherent. My head and heart still aren’t in their normal functioning states. I just wanted to share with my YT family, because my family doesn’t understand.