[Little Bit]

Originally Posted by Mom2BabyNatalie

I feel like such a fool.....

Of course, it's normal, and expected - to be saddened by the loss of a pet... or anything we love..... Gosh, a job - a relationship - any part of our lives that we no longer get to share....

But never, could I ever fathom that my heart would ache with such intensity...

My roommate is a nurse... so in my recent "haze", I didn't think much about it when she drug me back to the hospital yesterday.... I figured she knew what she was doing... come to find out, my appointment was with a Psychotherapist ... (though I should have known the influence of her mother, a psych nurse, had some involvement!)

Anyway.... after a couple hours of my tears, ranting and echoed ad-lib's of how "FINE" I was.... evidently she felt I'd be best served with a script for Cymbalta..... Good Lord! Am I THAT crazed with the loss of my little Natalie?? That I can't even FUNCTION without medication???? <<sigh>> Clearly.... I am....

Ironically, without my ever mentioning it to anyone, I received a very touching PM just this morning, from a caring YT member who told me that maybe going to the doctor for something to "help me cope" would be a good idea... and could be a welcome source of comfort in getting through.

After that, I suppose I began to feel a little less embarassed in "needing" it... (so I want to thank that member, so very much...)

I still have the hives - though I think they are beginning to subside.... I slept some last night, I'm sure with some assistance of the medications... and about 3am this morning, I was able to put away the rest of Natalie's things...

I keep telling myself to "Get a grip!! - - She was a DOG!!" - - - but she wasn't JUST a dog to me.... would it be sad to say that she was my BEST FRIEND??? I mean, what does that say for my life?? That a DOG was the best friend I had???

But she was even more than that.... she was my baby..... and we fought so hard together to make her well..... I thought we were almost there!!

All these other little furfaces running around here.... jumping up for me to hold them.... trying so desperately to get my attention...... and I just CAN'T give it!! Poor Gracie... and Cessy.... and even the big dogs.... I know they're probably going through something too - and they don't understand why I'm not able to be close to them..... and maybe I'm horrible.... but I just can't bear to touch them..... I just don't have anything left to give!

It's been four days..... it feels like only hours ago, I lost her...

Am I being histrionic?? Maybe....

My daughter called last night... to tell me that she's giving my only grandson (who just turned a year old on Christmas day, the day I lost Natalie) - a new baby sister or brother.......... I couldn't get excited for her.... and I'm sure I hurt her because of it....

She's an exceptional mom and I know she and her husband are thrilled with the news. I am happy for her.... I feel horrible for not being able to show her...

I'm a fairly intelligent person... I know the "stages" of grief and what must be in order to get past it... I'm aware of the reality of the day to day and how one must, if even forcibly, take the time they need to experience each and every emotion that comes... and then finally, tuck the memories into a safe place inside you - - and go on...

I know all this.... and try to abide.... yet when you are the one experiencing it... there is such a substantiated need to dismiss intelligence .... and just curl up and cry....

Here is my memorial video to my girl....

It's a little small on the page, but if you click on the box in the video player, like the screen-shot posted below, it will bring it up in a larger screen for viewing...

The words of the music I chose, just pours out what my heart is feeling... I hope that by sharing this with so many who have cared for her, I will be one step closer to letting go of the pain of losing my precious Natalie and rejoicing in the knowledge that she is no longer holding on to the weakness and struggles that embodied her vivacious and oh so loving soul...

http://uncutvideo.aol.com/users/mom2...f1fb94?index=0

That was just beautiful! You've got me crying now!