[Bruce's_Mom]

Well I have been watching these threads and not wanted to say anything, but I think they are harmful. Some people think threads and things of this sort where we all lament about how we want to lose weight, or how we are jealous of those who do not have to lose weight, etc are just in fun or just venting, but do we really know who reads this board? Or whether or not it will be harmful to them? I think it is important to try to think of these things, particularly because we have some younger members.

I have always struggled with my weight. In middle school I recieved a subscription to Seventeen magazine as a birthday gift, and that is when the comparrisons began. I have now learned at that time I was far from overweight but boy I sure did not look long and lean like those girls...So I started "dieting" I would go out jogging for 2-3 hours a day, and all I would eat was rice. Eventually I started having fainting spells, so in to the doctor it was, and they figured I had a blood sugar problem so then I was given these nutrition bars...I then began dividing it into 10 pieces and that was all I would eat save for dinner with my family. Eventually at some point this dinner would promptly go down the toilet. When I started high school I weighed something like 89 pounds and I wore the famed size 0. Boy did it seem great, but what I did not realize is that by chronically comparing myself, and having slightly disordered behavior I had laid the foundation for many serious health problems and becoming extremely out of control...So I stayed the course and kept obsessing, nothing was ever quite enough, and certainly I doubt you want to hear all the details but the trap of comparing myself to others led to the following. I never reached 100 pounds before college and boy oh boy I never let myself reach above a size 2 but in the process...

I put my family through hell. My parents felt responsible, they felt they had to watch me constantly, they spent in excess of $100k of their savings and put a second mortgage on their house to get me failed treatment after failed treatment. They began blaming each other and their marriage was nearly destroyed. I lost their trust and their respect.

I spent hours that I should have been having fun or playing sports or going to the mall in hospitals and therapists offices. Even when I went I particpated in the activities all young girls should the joy was lost because I was wrapped up in worrying about how I could avoid going out to dinner before prom or if I had snuck enough diuretics to not look "bloated." Shopping for my prom dress with my mom I remember crying hysterically because the dress I wanted would not fit properly, at the time I thought it was because I was an awkward size, but it was simply because I was too boney.

My habits had become bizarre. Once in college I could go about attempting to be too thin unfettered by my parents. I began living off 1 boullion cube a day, eating cotton to avoid feeling hungary, took 10-20 ephedra pills per day, and having weekly binges in which I would eat like $200 worth of groceries in a sitting and promptly purge them. I fought desperatly against the fact I reached 100 pounds, and I did so brutally. One spring break I went shopping with a friend from the dorm. I was 20 years old at this point and the size 0 at Old Navy was too big. I fit into the large size childrens clothing. I felt like that was a huge achievement...I did not realize all the sales people, my friend, everyone were horrified...I kept on...

Once in law school, after 10 years of dysfunctional behavior, I fell in love with a fellow law student who ended up be a complete ass who broke my heart over and over again, but the one thing he did was watch my behavior. He urged over and over for me to reenter treatment, and worked with my family to try to get me help, etc. I refused naturally, until one moring. It was our second year and we had been up nearly all night studying for finals. I woke up and felt strangely hot, I stumbled to my bathroom and began vomiting blood, I blacked out and walked through my hall I am told now that I was crawling...The boyfriend picked me up and said I felt cold to the touch, I remember feeling like I was burning up, and he rushed me to a hospital. As it turns out I had a heart attack. At age 22 I had a heart attack! But I did not only have a heart attack, I had several problems. I was malnurished, dehydrated and had a severe electrolyte imbalance which caused the heart attack. I had adema, muscular atrophy, tearing in my esophogus, gastrointestinal bleeding, thrombocytopenian causing me to have suppressed immune system, ketoacidosis, osteopenia (thing preosteporosis), I had not had a period in 3 years (this now may affect my fertility), teeth that were rotting from vomiting (I did not choose my venners I had to get them), a heart arrythmia, and peptic ulcers. Essentially I had the body of someone 30-40 years older than I was. All to be thin, all because I could not stop comparing.

Sure you say I must be a complete wacko, totally crazy, no one here is like that...Well we do not know that. No one, even if it is a matter of choice or whatever you think, deserves that. It has been a long road back for me, and I still struggle, particularly since my metabolism in the process was shot and I gain weight very easily, but I would gladly be a size 20 and enjoy my life, then put myself or my loved ones through all that again! When we start comparing ourselves or we put ourselves under undue preassure, what message are we sending to that younger member or the one who is more vulnerable?

I try so hard now just to think of my body in terms of how it is working and what is healthy. I know now I need to loose weight, but instead of working on that I set a fitness goal. I want to climb Mt. Rainier, so I am just going to work to get ready for that instead of focusing on diet. I think it would be much better if we all just focused on our good points or our goals then our pants size.