I don't think that there is a specific amount of time that you have to date before marriage. Dating for a couple of months is probably not a great idea, but I don't think you need a long courtship either. I understand that most people these days are fearful of marriage. It's scary and the media depicts it in very backwards ways.
What I think is the most important thing is that two people are willing to work at it together no matter what (within reason). Divorce is such a given these days, it's terrible. You're going to fight. There will be highs. There will be lows. You will change. There is no point in your life where you stop changing. You're different now than you were at 20 and you will be different at 50 than you were at 40. The important thing is to commit to growing and changing together through the good and the bad.
At the end of the day you need to really decide what you want. 29 is a reasonable age to desire commitment. If that is your bottom line, then you should be clear. A lot of us fear rejection, but it's better to be rejected now than down the line. If your bottom line is that you are looking to settle down, you should be upfront. Make it clear that you are not looking to be married in 3 months, but that you need some sort of timeline.
Personally, I don't understand the whole "getting my life in order before marriage" thing. Obviously you should not get married if you are unemployed and living in your parents' basement, but I don't get waiting until everything in life is in order. It makes no sense. We live in such a demanding generation! We expect to own a home, have a car, etc. before marriage! My parents didn't own their own house until I was in 4th grade!
If your bottom line is that you need some kind of commitment, maybe you should consider researching counselors on your own and presenting him with a list. Without stressing marriage or setting dates or anything, just let him know that this is a step that you need him to take now. It's not unreasonable to say "look, if we're committed to each other right now, regardless of what happens in the future, I need you to try and work through these commitment issues with me now. A year is a long time, especially at an age where you are ready to commit. It's understandable if he needs more time before going all the way, but he still needs to meet you halfway.
I really hope it works out, it sounds like a healthy relationship for the most part!
Sarah |